Have you ever wondered what the difference is between what you need and what you want in a relationship? And sometimes what you need and what you want may change with age and circumstances.
What I needed in a relationship a few months ago is not what I need in a relationship right now. But then since I'm not in a "steady" relationship, I seem to be focusing on what I want instead of what I need.
Have you ever met someone where the circumstances had to be "just right" in order to meet them? So then you wonder if there was a bigger reason as to why you met them.
I've been on hundreds of flights, maybe even thousands. Too many to count anyway. I've never really sat next to someone on an airplane and thought that I was in the right place at the right time kind-of-thing.
I've sat on an airplane next to someone and wanted to jump out of the emergency exit, but it wasn't until this last flight that I thought it may be more than a coincidence. I'm really not that chatty of a person on an airplane either. There are very few times that I talk to the person next to me. I usually just fall asleep or put in my ear phones. But when a cute boy is stuck in between you and the gentleman in the aisle seat on a 3-plus hour flight, well, let's just say I forgot that I even had an iPod to listen to.
We talked the entire flight, about everything. Then the end of the flight was closely approaching. I wondered what the protocol was. Do I ask for his number? Will he ask for mine? I didn't know and so I did nothing. But he happened to take charge at the right time. He handed me his card. Impressive? Yes. Then he asked for my number. Thank heavens there is still real men out there that take initiative!
But then I wondered what the protocol was for calling. Do I act like a guy and wait a week before calling? Do I text him because I don't know his schedule or if he really wants to talk to me? But once again, he played the role beautifully by calling first - and it only took him 2 days.
Fast forward now to our first date. It went so well. He is a complete gentleman. Opened the doors, pulled out my chair, paid for the meal (which he didn't need to do but was appreciated), and walked me to my car. So, he's either really good at this part or he's trying to impress me.
On the drive home, he called and said that he had a great time and he looks forward to seeing me again. Yep, he's good at this, but it also does impress me. I'm not normally impressed by this kind of stuff, but I told myself that I need to be more open to things and just let them happen. He seems considerate and that may be just what I need - because right now, I'm not exactly sure what I want.
SONG OF THE DAY: "Fearless Love" by Melissa Etheridge
I like the line about living my life on [my] happiness. I need to do more of that; figuring out what makes me happy and surrounding myself with it. I also like the message of the song. "I don't need to fear the end." "I want to feel this love." I'm pretty sure that I go into each of my relationships fearing the end. I assume that it won't work out and try to anticipate it before it happens. But what good does that do me? Why am I focusing on the end? I think I forget to be in the moment, to be in the relationship. I can't feel the love if it's there because I'm anticipating that even if it is there now, that it will end.
That is my relationship resolution: to not fear the end.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Outlook on Life and Love
In the past month, my life has changed quite drastically. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was a student (striving for my 3rd Bachelor's degree), in a kind-a-sort-a relationship, endlessly searching for the desired "love," and with little to no hope that I would find it.
I stopped writing this blog after a sermon at church about "Love that Lasts." I thought that sermon had nothing to do with me because it would be geared toward married couples only. But I was engulfed by the message I was left with. I already knew that men and women are different, but I must have been in the right place at the right time to finally listen.
Then I also thought back to the series of sermons before that, specifically the one about "The Idol of Romantic Love." This is the one sin that I have had my whole life. I've went from one boyfriend to the next, to the next, to the next, and sometimes before the other one had even healed. That may have been a way of coping, a way of not having to deal with the hurt, the rejection, and the feeling of being (once again) alone.
That's a hard truth to come to about yourself. And then the question of 'why?' Why do I allow myself to do that? Why don't I want to feel? Why is it so terrible to shed a tear for someone I cared about, maybe even loved? I think that's a question I'll have to think about and explore more to finally receive the answer.
There was a study done explaining a cycle for men and women. Women wanted to be loved and men want to be respected. When a women doesn't feel loved, she reacts against her man, usually vocally and in anger. That, in turn, makes him feel disrespected, and he reacts by shutting down or turning away from her. That, in turn, makes her feel unloved, and the cycle continues. Now, of course, it can start with a man feeling disrespected by his woman, and that starts the cycle as well. Men thrive and flourish in a relationship when a woman shows and appreciates his desire to work, achieve, protect, lead, serve, counsel, and sexual intimacy. Women thrive and flourish in a relationship when a man shows her he wants to be close, open up, doesn't want to fix her, understands, he is "all" in, and wants to honor her.
A book was written called, "Sex Starts in the Kitchen." I'm don't remember the author's name, but I believe the point is that for women, sex starts with touch. Men touch women to get sex, and women have sex to get touched.
There's also the book by Gary Chapman about the Five Love Languages, which was our sermon last Sunday. I'd heard of them before and taken the quiz myself, but I didn't listen or take it to heart. I am "Quality Time," but just not all the time. I'm very independent and busy, but when I'm together with a man, I want to know that he's there (for however long) to be with me; not his phone, his email, his electronics, his garage, his buddies, or anything else that he does when I'm not around. I'm usually only able to go out on a date once out of the week and in order to feel like it's worthwhile, I need it to be quality since it can't be quantity.
Over the past month, I've quit school, got a wonderful rewarding part-time job, met some great women with amazing hearts, started going to a Bible study, and finished things I keep telling myself "I'll get to." Physically, I have less. But I feel like I have more than I deserve.
I'm doing things for myself. I'm learning about real love. The kind that unconditional. The kind that never fails, never leaves, never disappoints. I'm being lead away from the lies that I've told myself, the loneliness I thought I had to feel, and the pain from past relationships that I had no control over.
I'm no longer waiting for love to start my life. I'm starting to love life...again.
Where are you being led?
SONG OF THE DAY: "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real
There may be a better song to go with this entry, but I heard this song on the radio the other day and it just touched my heart. I always thought that I had complete control over what happens to me and my life. That all of my outcomes were there because of something I did or said - or didn't say or do. I blamed myself and others for a lot of the things that I didn't like about my life or situation. I spent so much trying to figure out what went wrong. What if this? What if that? I could've changed it. It could've been different. But at the end of the day, it really just doesn't matter. What good does it do? I was trying to do it all on my own. Without guidance, without friends, without believing it would ever work. I didn't have faith in love, which meant I didn't have faith in myself to love enough or be loved enough. But what is enough? When does it become enough? How do you gauge it? You don't. You just live and love - and sometimes you see the miracle and gift that love offers. We're human. There's no such thing as perfect love, and I don't believe that love is all we need. I do believe that faith and hope still need to be in the equation for love to reveal itself fully.
So, ready or not...
I stopped writing this blog after a sermon at church about "Love that Lasts." I thought that sermon had nothing to do with me because it would be geared toward married couples only. But I was engulfed by the message I was left with. I already knew that men and women are different, but I must have been in the right place at the right time to finally listen.
Then I also thought back to the series of sermons before that, specifically the one about "The Idol of Romantic Love." This is the one sin that I have had my whole life. I've went from one boyfriend to the next, to the next, to the next, and sometimes before the other one had even healed. That may have been a way of coping, a way of not having to deal with the hurt, the rejection, and the feeling of being (once again) alone.
That's a hard truth to come to about yourself. And then the question of 'why?' Why do I allow myself to do that? Why don't I want to feel? Why is it so terrible to shed a tear for someone I cared about, maybe even loved? I think that's a question I'll have to think about and explore more to finally receive the answer.
There was a study done explaining a cycle for men and women. Women wanted to be loved and men want to be respected. When a women doesn't feel loved, she reacts against her man, usually vocally and in anger. That, in turn, makes him feel disrespected, and he reacts by shutting down or turning away from her. That, in turn, makes her feel unloved, and the cycle continues. Now, of course, it can start with a man feeling disrespected by his woman, and that starts the cycle as well. Men thrive and flourish in a relationship when a woman shows and appreciates his desire to work, achieve, protect, lead, serve, counsel, and sexual intimacy. Women thrive and flourish in a relationship when a man shows her he wants to be close, open up, doesn't want to fix her, understands, he is "all" in, and wants to honor her.
A book was written called, "Sex Starts in the Kitchen." I'm don't remember the author's name, but I believe the point is that for women, sex starts with touch. Men touch women to get sex, and women have sex to get touched.
There's also the book by Gary Chapman about the Five Love Languages, which was our sermon last Sunday. I'd heard of them before and taken the quiz myself, but I didn't listen or take it to heart. I am "Quality Time," but just not all the time. I'm very independent and busy, but when I'm together with a man, I want to know that he's there (for however long) to be with me; not his phone, his email, his electronics, his garage, his buddies, or anything else that he does when I'm not around. I'm usually only able to go out on a date once out of the week and in order to feel like it's worthwhile, I need it to be quality since it can't be quantity.
Over the past month, I've quit school, got a wonderful rewarding part-time job, met some great women with amazing hearts, started going to a Bible study, and finished things I keep telling myself "I'll get to." Physically, I have less. But I feel like I have more than I deserve.
I'm doing things for myself. I'm learning about real love. The kind that unconditional. The kind that never fails, never leaves, never disappoints. I'm being lead away from the lies that I've told myself, the loneliness I thought I had to feel, and the pain from past relationships that I had no control over.
I'm no longer waiting for love to start my life. I'm starting to love life...again.
Where are you being led?
SONG OF THE DAY: "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real
There may be a better song to go with this entry, but I heard this song on the radio the other day and it just touched my heart. I always thought that I had complete control over what happens to me and my life. That all of my outcomes were there because of something I did or said - or didn't say or do. I blamed myself and others for a lot of the things that I didn't like about my life or situation. I spent so much trying to figure out what went wrong. What if this? What if that? I could've changed it. It could've been different. But at the end of the day, it really just doesn't matter. What good does it do? I was trying to do it all on my own. Without guidance, without friends, without believing it would ever work. I didn't have faith in love, which meant I didn't have faith in myself to love enough or be loved enough. But what is enough? When does it become enough? How do you gauge it? You don't. You just live and love - and sometimes you see the miracle and gift that love offers. We're human. There's no such thing as perfect love, and I don't believe that love is all we need. I do believe that faith and hope still need to be in the equation for love to reveal itself fully.
So, ready or not...
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