Saturday, July 17, 2010

Except the Exception

They say there's an exception to every rule. The book "He's Just Not That Into You" says there's an exception. So, what is this exception about?

We all make up rules for ourselves in life. I won't do this, I won't do that. If this happens, then I'll do that. But we seem to be forced into saying "the exception" to that is...

Why do we make rules if there's always an exception? Then it's not really a rule, right?

I made a lot of rules regarding relationships in my life. I thought I was putting them into place to protect myself; guarding myself from getting hurt. Well, I can never get hurt if I never fully put myself into something. And I'll never put myself fully into something unless I have an escape plan. Some sign or feeling to know when to call it quits.

Do we make exceptions in love? Or is love the exception to every rule we make? I won't do this unless I'm in love. I won't say this unless I'm in love. I won't go there unless I'm in love.

I recently told someone that I couldn't see them anymore unless...except if he was willing to be serious about a relationship with me. Why did I do that, say that to him? Honestly, I don't know. The title? The responsibility for my feelings?

I was protecting myself I guess. I thought "I'm only going to get hurt." "It'll never work out." So I said goodbye to a man who treated me with respect and consideration to find someone willing to say "I am serious about you."

I also told this man that I wasn't sure if I could be his friend. But a few days later, a friend was what he needed more than a girlfriend. I told myself that I would be his friend, unless/except if it got too hard for me.

The first casual lunch together felt like nothing had changed. We talked the same, we laughed the same, and my heart felt the same. But my head was the exception. It was holding up a CAUTION sign. BEWARE.

But there was something about this man that I loved being around. He made me laugh and he had a passion for something I witnessed in his eyes. We still talked on the phone and texted. It felt good to be his friend, except when I remember to check in with my heart and it reminded me that I want more with this man.

I used to have this rule about not meeting someone's parents/family until at least we'd determined what we "were" to each other. I made an exception to that today (yesterday).

My time with this friend is being cut short by early, unexpected deployment and extension of duty. I used this as my excuse for my exception. I had limited time to say goodbye to my friend until next March, and having to drive him and his parents from the airport to his house shouldn't be a reason to be hard-headed.

I was nervous but it was fine. It's funny when you meet someone's parents and you can see pieces, glimpses of them in each parent. Their relationship toward each other was sweet and playful. It made me smile.

I thought I'd drop them off, say a quick goodbye, and not see him until next March. I didn't know what to expect. I told myself that I wouldn't stay and intrude. And although his parents traveled across the entire country to see him, he and I left the house and spent an hour talking privately.

It was hard to sit and listen to his concerns about life and his wants when he gets back. The hard part was sitting their thinking that I want those same things out of life. And when he said, "When I get back, you'll probably be married with kids," I started to realize that I may not be just a soundboard to his goals.

But being the protector that I am, I said, "It's a possibility." Which realistically isn't true because he'll be gone for 8 months. Pretty sure it takes 9 to have a baby.

I think he was trying to open up and tell me something, but I purposely wasn't being receptive to the conversation. I was vague and short with my responses. Mostly because I didn't feel like crying at Starbucks. I've tried to tell myself that he doesn't mean as much as I originally thought, and Starbucks wasn't my ideal place to say goodbye to someone or have a "this is what I want when I get back" conversation.

As hard as I try, I continue to fail. He's becoming the exception to a lot of my previous rules. There's too many factors: time and location being two major ones.

I am both the teenager daughter and the mother. I tell myself I can't do something, and I do it anyway. I take the keys away on principle, only to give them back on weakness.

We've decided to email each other while he's gone. And again, I don't know why I agreed to that. I'm a sucker. I can't help myself I guess. A southern accent and a killer smile is all it took. That and the slight glint tears in his eyes. I just couldn't say no.

So, I guess I'll just keep a list of exceptions since they don't seem to end where he's concerned. Maybe exception is the way to clarity.

SONG OF THE DAY: "The Only Exception" by Paramore
"I'd never sing of love if it did not exist." What a great line!
The words of this song seem to come from a dream stemming from my subconscious. I hear them and mouth them along with the music...I can't help but think someone is reading my thoughts. From heartbreak to what I tell myself to avoid it. Then meeting someone that may be worth rethinking the mediation between my head and my heart.
And then the lyrics about the person leaving in the morning when he wakes.

"I told myself I'm content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk." I'm fairly sure I've said that to myself if not out loud to a close friend. I used to joke with a few college friends that the comedy of being a romantic writer who doesn't have romance herself was poetic. Now, I think it's kind of pathetic.

It's like trying to write about a travel destination without having been there. "Write what you know." That's what all the advisories say when you go to a writing workshop or bootcamp.

Well, I know that, right now, I don't want to be without a certain exception.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Where It All Started...and Ended For Me

As I sat at the desk of my overnight job last night, I wondered why I felt so sad, so nostalgic. I even cried and had no idea why.

My heart is sad and heavy again tonight. And as I look at the calendar and remember the date that will be forever etched in my mind, I understand why.

It's been 14 years. 14 years. I can't believe it's been that long. 14 years ago I truly understood the meaning of loss. I lost the first boy I ever loved.

When I was with him, I was 14. So, maybe that makes this the "Golden" year of rememberance. I was 14, young, naive, without a care in the world, in love, and not knowing what any of it was. It's also the first time that I truly felt loved in return.

He's the one I compare every man to. He's the one I remember among all others. He's the one I would've given my life for. He gave me and taught me so much about life, although his was cut short. He wasn't perfect by any means, but no one held a candle to him for me.

He showed me the perfect balance of laughter and love. He taught me it's okay to fight for something if you truly want it. He also inadvertantly showed me humility and weakness.

He was a romantic and beautiful in every sense of the word. He was my last great Valentine's Day. I kept the flowers and vase for years...I may still have them stuffed away somewhere at my mother's house.

I tried so hard to hang on to him. I was afraid of letting go, fearing most that I would forget him. Forget what he taught me. Forget what true love is. I'm afraid that I'll never find it again. Not like that. Not that innocent and free kind of loving someone. No fear of being rejected, no fear of losing them. It was the sweetest and purest kind of love.

Fourteen years and I can remember his laugh like it was yesterday. How he'd laugh with his tongue between his teeth. When he got embarrassed, he'd laugh, shrug, and wink all at the same time. He impressed and loved the people around me because he knew that was important to me. He held me so tightly, so securely that sometimes when I close my eyes and just breath, I think I can feel him.

And I've spent 14 years trying to figure out if that was it. If that was the love that I was meant for in my life. I've tried to find that same love, although I'm beginning to believe there's no possibility of finding that same kind of love again.

I'm a different person now. I'm not that young, 14 year old girl who really didn't know what she had or wanted out of life. I have more at stake and more to give. I would've liked to spend my life with him. But that just wanted our fate. It wasn't "in the cards" so to speak.

I will never forget him; I know that now. For most of us, we have the same heart for our entire lives. So, when someone touches your heart at 14 years of age, you carry that with you for life. Your heart remembers even when your head tries to cope.

He was my foundation for love. My first, but not my last.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers
Although we had many songs throughout our relationship, this one was always the one that made us think of each other, no matter where we were. The context now seems a little foreshadowed, yet I still smile when I hear it. If this song came on at a school dance growing up, I would sit it out for him, especially after he was gone. I refused to dance with anyone else to this song. I felt it was the least I could do. To this day, he is the last one I've danced with to this song.

To Be Somebody's Something

Why do we engage in relationships? Romantically that is. There may be multiple reasons. Each one is probably different. Age, gender, race, etc. plays its own role in the 'why.'

One of my guy friends seems to comment or jab that all women care about how much money [men] make. Now, he's said this before during conversations, but this one happened to start out with, "They don't care what type of aircraft you fly."

Now, I had to agree. I don't care what type of aircraft a guy flies, even though I understand the difference. I also don't care how much money he or any other guy makes. But for the sake of conversation and carefree banter, I indulged him with, "women only care about how much money you make if she's been scorned or you're not worth loving." Now, obviously I was joking. But it got me thinking about what people are looking for in relationships.

Some are looking for true love. Some just want companionship. Some want to have a family, have kids. Some looking for security, which may involve money or loyalty.

And what if those things they are looking for change after marriage? What they wanted then is no longer what they need now.

We're constantly changing, growing, learning...do you just find someone that is willing to put up with it? Someone passive enough to go along with it? Or is there more to it than that? Are we better matched with certain people? And why is that?

I've struggled with relationships that seem to be heavily dependent. I'm an independent person, and I guess I'm looking for someone equally as independent but still someone who cares. Yet I do enjoy the moments that I get to do things for them. Not necessarily that they "depend" on me to do those things, but I do them because it helps them and they'll probably appreciate it. Even really small things. On second thought, especially the small things. Maybe just being there...an ear, a hug, a kiss, a smile, a joke, a kind word. Maybe just knowing that you have someone on your side.

I must be getting sentimental as I age.

I once had a guy tell me, while holding me, that "sometimes you just need to be held." He was a fairly famous playwright and very good with words, but it's what I needed at the time. Even if he would've been from the annoying college student from the dorm floor below, I think it still would've had the same impact.

It wasn't about who it was from; it was about receiving something that I needed.

Is it about the moments or the people in them?

SONG OF THE DAY: "Me" by Plumb
This song has been on my iPod for about 3 weeks now, and I think yesterday is the first day I heard the words. They're so simple and sweet. "I wouldn't trade your love for all the candy in this great big world." Yet my favorite line is: "I wash your face to make room for all the kisses of tomorrow." That completely and utterly touches my heart. Simply beautiful. That's my kind of romance. That's what I want to be for somebody and somebody for me.
What are you to your someboday? What are they to you?