Where It All Started...and Ended For Me

As I sat at the desk of my overnight job last night, I wondered why I felt so sad, so nostalgic. I even cried and had no idea why.

My heart is sad and heavy again tonight. And as I look at the calendar and remember the date that will be forever etched in my mind, I understand why.

It's been 14 years. 14 years. I can't believe it's been that long. 14 years ago I truly understood the meaning of loss. I lost the first boy I ever loved.

When I was with him, I was 14. So, maybe that makes this the "Golden" year of rememberance. I was 14, young, naive, without a care in the world, in love, and not knowing what any of it was. It's also the first time that I truly felt loved in return.

He's the one I compare every man to. He's the one I remember among all others. He's the one I would've given my life for. He gave me and taught me so much about life, although his was cut short. He wasn't perfect by any means, but no one held a candle to him for me.

He showed me the perfect balance of laughter and love. He taught me it's okay to fight for something if you truly want it. He also inadvertantly showed me humility and weakness.

He was a romantic and beautiful in every sense of the word. He was my last great Valentine's Day. I kept the flowers and vase for years...I may still have them stuffed away somewhere at my mother's house.

I tried so hard to hang on to him. I was afraid of letting go, fearing most that I would forget him. Forget what he taught me. Forget what true love is. I'm afraid that I'll never find it again. Not like that. Not that innocent and free kind of loving someone. No fear of being rejected, no fear of losing them. It was the sweetest and purest kind of love.

Fourteen years and I can remember his laugh like it was yesterday. How he'd laugh with his tongue between his teeth. When he got embarrassed, he'd laugh, shrug, and wink all at the same time. He impressed and loved the people around me because he knew that was important to me. He held me so tightly, so securely that sometimes when I close my eyes and just breath, I think I can feel him.

And I've spent 14 years trying to figure out if that was it. If that was the love that I was meant for in my life. I've tried to find that same love, although I'm beginning to believe there's no possibility of finding that same kind of love again.

I'm a different person now. I'm not that young, 14 year old girl who really didn't know what she had or wanted out of life. I have more at stake and more to give. I would've liked to spend my life with him. But that just wanted our fate. It wasn't "in the cards" so to speak.

I will never forget him; I know that now. For most of us, we have the same heart for our entire lives. So, when someone touches your heart at 14 years of age, you carry that with you for life. Your heart remembers even when your head tries to cope.

He was my foundation for love. My first, but not my last.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers
Although we had many songs throughout our relationship, this one was always the one that made us think of each other, no matter where we were. The context now seems a little foreshadowed, yet I still smile when I hear it. If this song came on at a school dance growing up, I would sit it out for him, especially after he was gone. I refused to dance with anyone else to this song. I felt it was the least I could do. To this day, he is the last one I've danced with to this song.