Spring Cleaning before Christmas

I usually feel pretty cluttered around Christmas time. Yet, this year, I'm down-sizing. I'd like to say 'my closet.' But that just isn't a possibility, although has been on my "to do" list for a couple of years. However, my down-sizing project for the end of this year is on boyfriends.

I'm finally taking my sista's advice. As they say, "Out with old, in with the new." In order to start my Spring Cleaning project, I decided that I needed to "block" those certain ex's from my social media accounts. It turned out to be a LONG list and quite difficult. I kept a few of them on the list, only because I never wonder "what if" with them.

If I don't put those "potential re-ex's" behind me for good, I'll never fully be able to move on and be serious with someone new. It's like having too many pots on the stove and not enough "back burners" to go around. In a way, I was allowing them to keep me in relationship bondage, and not the kinky kind. One of them has been an "on-again, off-again ex" for the past 12 years. That one I had to hold my breath in order to delete, but I did it.

The only problem with deleting people from your social media that you're fairly close to is that they probably also have your phone number and will text you wondering why you've deleted them. Oh well. I'd delete their number from my phone, except if they do text, I may not know which one of them it is. I guess all I'd have to say/text is "Leave me alone." Right? Or is that just mean?

I never used to have a problem with telling guys I'm not interested anymore. I think I must've gotten a little bit soft since my high school and college days. I guess I know, now, what it's like to be told that someone isn't interested in you, so I'll let them down easier...fine! Ugh!

Most importantly, I decided that I just need to let go and move on - leave them in the past. There are a lot of obstacles to deal with that new relationships just don't have yet...or maybe never will. Old relationships already have scars and, at least, one strike against you. Some of my ex's must've been cats because they just kept coming back time-after-time, proving that they haven't changed even though they say they have. Not that I was asking them to change, but that's their claim to winning me back.

I guess I'm making a New Year's Resolution early and Spring Cleaning before the snow melts. Maybe it's more because I'm finally ready to settle down and find "the one" - or at least, this one or that one. But I can't truly go after the other fish in the sea if I'm still throwing my line into the fish tank in my living room.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Forever and Almost Always" by Kate Voegele
This song really personifies what I've been going through with all of these old relationships. Going back into it, I say that "although it's not the same, it's awful close." I usually end up saying, "it's awful." The beginning of this song is a woman settling, "just love me when you can." Then she asks herself, after the same thing happens and he proves not to have changed, "what am I still doing here?" She then realizes that "it's not right." She wants more; she finally believes that she deserves more. I feel the same way she does now, at this very moment.

A Guarantee is Nothing More than a Statement Saying the Product is, in Fact, Defective - and They'll Take Care of It Later

How many "one's" can there be? I think back to the men I've dated, which happens to be a lot (some I'm not so proud of). But I think back to some of the ones that were good and if I could see myself married to them.

I can pretty much picture exactly what my life would be like with most of them. And a couple of them wouldn't have been so bad. So then the question begs, how long do I wait to find something better than "so bad"? I look at the marriages around me today and they're not so bad either. And the ones that were "so bad" and ended, I couldn't have predicted that it would become that way and end. Can you really know someone well enough to fool-proof a marriage?

Maybe I just have a fairy-tale image of marriage in my mind. Maybe what I imagine marriage to be just doesn't exist anymore. There are no guarantees in marriage. Nothing saying that if you meet someone great that they won't change in five years time to be someone you never would've gotten involved with in the first place. But then what? Say you have 2 children with them and they just don't want that life anymore. There's nothing you can do to change their mind. They changed on their own and they'll leave the same way.

Could I have made it work (in a marriage) with some of my ex-boyfriends? Absolutely. Would I have been happy, living a fulfilled life? Maybe, but I probably would've wondered what life would've been like if I had waited for "the one."

I guess I'm questioning this now because I'm in negotiations with 2 former boyfriends, and wondering what it's worth. I know them both very well. One I have more confidence in than the other. They both have their strengths and weaknesses when it comes to relationships. I've also just met 2 other new guys. (This is how my life goes. Either it's a dry spell or a flood. No in between.) It doesn't feel right to string any of them along, but I don't want to make any hasty decisions either.

So, I ask myself what I need. I already know what I want, but that's not necessarily what I'll get. Again, I ask myself what I need in a relationship. I could spend my entire life looking for someone to fulfill my every want and desire, but I'm either going to end up alone or putting pressure on someone to be that way forever. Am I setting myself up for failure if I do that? Everyone is human and makes mistakes. If I'm looking for the perfect man, I may as well be wishing on a star. There is no perfect man. There is no guarantee that I won't end up alone - with or without a man.

I just want to be enough for someone. I want them to enjoy being with me, living life to the fullest with me, and eventually raising children with me. I'd say that he would have to love me, but I will say that I need to feel loved by him instead. My perception of being loved may be different than his. Some of the things I once looked for in a husband/partner aren't really things I need. I'm banking too many things on a person that will inevitably let me down at some point. I want a lot of things out of life, and none of them require one specific person. Similar interests - yes, caring and loving - yes, unlike anyone I've ever met - no.

SONG OF THE DAY: "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews
My only guarantee for love is in the Lord. With Him, I'll never be alone. I'll never be without. This life on earth is only a temporary home. The one I spend it with now won't matter in heaven. I could spend another 5-10 years trying to find the right one, get married, and then die the next day. What good is waiting for the right one on earth when it's only temporary and only right for a moment. They're not the one I live my life for anyway. There's only one that really matters; only one with a guarantee. He is perfection; with Him, I'll always be loved. I won't die without a man, but I will perish without God.

A Holding Pattern

I know that for me, personally, one of the hardest things for me to do is to 'let go.' Whether it's hurt or love. I just want to hang on to something that requires an emotion or feeling out me. Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about when I say, "Sometimes it feels good to cry."

Think about it for a minute. When we're in a good mood, we tend to listen to music that mirrors that mood. If we're sad, we watch movies or listen to music that will soon require a Kleenex.

And why, for the most part, are we done crying until someone hugs or holds us? Have you ever bawled your eyes out and then felt better, you got yourself put back together, and you feel ready to face the rest of the day. Well, you run into a friend or family member, and sometimes even before the actual hug, the waterworks start all over again.

I think part of my problem is that I think if I let go, then it's forgotten - almost like it never happened. Like a piece of my life, of my memory, has been erased, wiped clean. I want to go back and revisit that feeling to know that it was real. And sometimes, I just want to feel...something...anything! Especially in between the dry spells of love. Heck, right now, I'd settle for lust (and that's NOT me!). Or maybe at least to be held.

I'm not talking about a hug that you give your friend or grandmother; I'm referring to being held by a man so tightly and securely, you feel his force field. It might be the sense of security that many women are looking for, but to me it's more about the conversation taking place between your subconscious's. Somehow he knew. He knew what I needed without asking. He knew how to fill the void if only for a moment. He held my body physically, but really had a hold of my heart.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Hold My Heart" by Sara Bareilles
Not many men in my life knew what it meant to "hold my heart." But there have been a few, and that's hard to find. If you have a man that can hold both you and your heart and can do it without saying a word, be grateful.

The Story...

Okay, so it's not a secret that I don't like internet dating because I LOVE having a story to tell of "how [we] met." And it's not very exciting if you say, "Online." Boring!

However, I've recently found out that the story after you decide to meet (from emailing FOREVER online), which I like to call the after-story, can be just as great as "how you first met."

So, I met this guy online. He seems funny and charming - 2 great qualities to get my attention. We email back and forth, back and forth, and then he finally asks the question, 'do you want to meet'? FINALLY being the key word.

We set up to meet at a common chain restaurant. I tell him which one would be better for me. Now, maybe it was my mistake, but I said a area/location instead of an actual address. So, naturally, we ended up at 2 different locations of the same restaurant. But at the time, I thought I had been stood up. I didn't waste my evening though. I dined alone, read a book, and had a wonderful fruity drink.

So, he texts later saying he doesn't know what happened. blah, blah, blah. Now, I wasn't really sure if I was going to give him another chance until he told me it was his birthday! Well, then, all of a sudden, I feel like I stood him up. I decided he definitely deserved another chance.

So, we plan for dinner the next night. Another chain restaurant; this time I gave him a landmark and Street location. There's no way he could mess this one up...

I arrive at the restaurant, look around (for someone I've never met before - should've brought his picture with me to show the hostess), and decide to get a table. I sit there for a couple of minutes, and a couple more minutes, and yet a couple more minutes. He's now 15 minutes late. AM I GETTING STOOD UP AGAIN?

So, I text him and ask if he got lost. He says he's at the bar. I stand up from my table, look over at the bar, and see no one that resembles him. At this point, I'm asking myself if I'm either crazy and he doesn't really exist (yes, Keith, I know what you're thinking) OR this is a joke that someone is playing on me and the camera will come out soon.

He then texts back and says he just realized he's at the wrong restaurant and he'll be right over. WHAT?! Can he really be that big of an idiot? One time I can understand (and at least he was at the same restaurant chain the first time). But now he's at a completely different restaurant chain and not on the Street location that I gave him. I was speechless! Completely speechless!

He walked in and he was utterly embarrassed (as he should've been). But I have to tell you that I'm glad he showed up. He's a big guy, but genuine and sweet. Tall. (THANK YOU! I CAN WEAR HEELS!) Funny and sarcastic. Seems like a good guy. So, I'll just have to find out if the after-story can hold a candle to the "meet-cute."

It's a pretty funny after-story; one that I'll tease him about for awhile anyway. Maybe I should've gotten him a GPS for his birthday...

I must be getting soft in my old age or something: giving a guy who stood me up a second chance. Geesh! What is my world coming to?

Maybe I shouldn't get so wrapped up in "the story" of how I meet someone and instead, work on the story that is yet to be written with them. That initial meeting is only a small part of THE story. Everyone likes to hear how you met, but I bet they care more about if you're still together and the story you're creating. And no one but that person will ever know your entire story - and if you have nothing else, at least you share that.

What part of the story are you in?

SONG OF THE DAY: "The Story" by Brandi Carlisle
I like this song because of its depth into the soul. How you can get to know someone so well, even when no one else can. "All of these lines across my face / Tell you the story of who I am." People can guess or think they know what your life is like or was like. But like a story in a book, you can't know the entire story until you've opened the book and read it cover-to-cover. You can look at the book's cover and read the reviews, but you still don't know the whole story. If you want to know or be a part of someone's story, you have to go further than just the leather and the binding; you have to touch the page.

It's Not About Me

"It's Not About Me" just happens to be one of my favorite perspective books by Max Lucado.

The question I'm struggling with right now is, "How do you pray for someone you're trying not to think about?"

It's not that I don't want to be there for someone I care about, but vulnerability has always gotten me in trouble. I'm trying to be strong for him and from him.

When someone tells you that they can't be in a relationship right now because they're going overseas and doesn't want to force his relationships anymore, but then turns around and says that he's started dating someone he's never even met (over you) and that he's not sure if it'll go anywhere but it's been good so far, more than likely, you're gonna want a 9000 degree of separation from this guy.

But what he's going through... That's always my excuse. But he needs support right now. But maybe he doesn't need my support now that he has her. And if that's true, then why would he continue emailing...especially when it's not a mass email and it's a sad email about how his father's health is failing and he can't stop crying.

The "Cruella Deville" in me (and trust me, girls, all of us have it in us) wanted to email back and say, "Sorry to hear about your dad, but maybe you should be telling your girlfriend." Kind of like the "here's a quarter, call somebody who cares" song lyric. But the truth is I do care. Even though I'm not "that" girl that I so wanted to be, and that he has now. I'm not her, but who do I want to be in this situation? A jerk? No.

I guess breaking my heart doesn't really constitute me not caring when his is. I told him that I would be his friend, and he needs one right now. My heart feels like it is breaking right along side of his. I'm sad that he's sad and so far away from his family. I've met his dad, and I not only could see the resemblance, but I could see the love. The love between a father and his son. The love of a woman toward her man. The love of a family. It was really quite beautiful. Even in the anticipation and anxiety of the circumstances of their son going off to yet another war zone, all you could feel was love. He has a wonderful father whom he admires and adores - and rightly so.

My heart is going out to a man that I've been trying to take my heart back from. I don't know what he wants from me, but he must assume I'm still here - otherwise why would he have emailed?

But I can't help thinking that I need to play it smart, for the sake of my sanity. I've been trying hard not to think of him every day - ever since he told me about "her." So how do you pray for someone you're trying not to think about?

You leave it up to your own prayer warriors. He's leaning on his friends and family right now for thoughts and prayers. So, I'm doing the same. I sent out a prayer request for my friend and his father. I can physically pray for him every hour of every day, even though it just reminds me of what I no longer have. It's hard to do emotionally.

But, then again, it's not really about me is it? And if I'm making it about me, I shouldn't. It's about someone in need. Someone that, even though I pretend doesn't cross my mind anymore, I actually, truly care a lot about.

So, what is it that stands in our way of continuing to care and help someone in need after they've "hurt" us? Pride is an ugly deter-ant, and we let it make our decisions for us.

Am I really willing to neglect another human being in need because of my own selfish pride? Shame on me if I am.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Pride is a Lonely Blanket (When We Speak)" by Red Wanting Blue
Pride keeps us from so many things. Pride is a shield that we continue to use as an invisible defense mechanism. Pride is usually a catalyst for hurtful behavior. It makes us cold and unapproachable. And for what? For selfishness? For not being one man's girl? Well, if I let my pride stand in the way of truly being there for someone I claim to care about, then I wouldn't want that girl either.
Whom are you neglecting because of pride? You...for starters.

It's A Duck!

I had a pretty fabulous weekend with a pretty fabulous friend. And among the many laughs and serious conversations, this phrase keeps running through my head, "It's a Duck!"

She told me, "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's a duck. It ain't a swan."

Now, I thought I knew quite a lot about men, but after this weekend, I felt like I only cracked the book on "Boys 101." Here are some key points that I'm remembering off the top of my head (sorry, don't have notes in front of me):

* Men need their egos fed (they just do!) - whether we had to nag them to death or not, it'll make the relationship better. Tell them the lawn looks nice, that they did an excellent job on the deck, they're the best lover you've ever had, or just thank them for "bringing home the bacon."
* Men can have sex and it mean nothing - it's a physical need for them; it's their force of nature; they're the ones with testosterone.
* If you're not sleeping with your man, he'll eventually find someone else to fill that need, even if it doesn't mean anything to him but sex. So, maybe you should evaluate why you're not having sex with him - before he just doesn't care why anymore.
* If a man is saying he doesn't want something (like, say, a relationship), he doesn't want it; and you'll never change his mind.
* If a man says that he loves you and hasn't just had sex, is wanting sex, or in the middle of sex, he's probably telling the truth. Don't listen to what men are saying to you when they want sex or have just had sex - it's not coming from the heart or their brain.
* You cannot change a man. So you might as well forget about it.
* If he has a problem with you, that's his problem. Ain't your shit!
* If he's never been married, doesn't have any kids, and doesn't even have a dog, RUN! He's incapable of caring for anything but himself...because he's never had to. He's selfish.
* Testosterone makes them lose their hair...and makes them VERY horny. If you see a bald guy, you pretty much know what's on his mind...and it's obviously not hair.
* Set healthy boundaries with men. If you don't, they'll walk all over you and end up having no respect for you.
* The first six months are months of impressions. Evaluate the relationship after six months and see if you still like the person.
* If he hasn't asked you to marry him or haven't married him within 2 years, he probably doesn't want to - or has other issues that aren't your shit!
* Feed 'em, screw 'em, and tell them you appreciate everything they do - and you'll have a happy man.
* Men are pretty simple creatures. It's the women who make men complicated because we try to read into what they're saying...DON'T. Just listen to what they're saying and take it for what it's worth.
* Guys continually produce sperm throughout their life (it just lessens when they get older). Women have one set of eggs. That's it. If you're worried about getting older and not being able to have kids, get your eggs frozen by age 35. That'll give you another 10 years to have kids.

Now, this weekend wasn't just a man-bashing session. Although is was quite therapeutic. She's got quite a few years on me and speaks only from first-hand experience. I have no reason not to trust her. I know a lot of her advise is correct because I've experienced a lot of it for myself already; sad, but true.

We also talked a lot about the importance of girlfriends when you're in a relationship with a guy. You need someone to bounce ideas, comments, concerns off of. And no offense to family, but it's not the same. They will be on your side no matter what (unless you've royally screwed up, and then maybe they'll be frank with you - and you usually tell your girlfriends all the gritty details so they know the whole story). If you don't have any close girlfriends to talk to, then here's what you do. Ask yourself the question that you would ask your girlfriend (if you had one). If your friend came to you and asked you this question, what would your advice be? Then, take your own advice. LISTEN TO IT! If you're in a situation where you'd tell your girlfriend to RUN, then maybe you should get your running shoes on!

And don't mistake your guy friends for your girlfriends. Guy friends may be able to give you great insight on what your guy may be thinking, but they can't help you. If a guy has a problem with another guy, once they throw a few punches at each other, they're fine. I wouldn't recommend trying that in your relationship. There's a little thing called Domestic Abuse/Violence. Guys don't know they act stupid until they've acted stupid - and sometimes, they're so stupid, that guy and other guys don't think it's stupidity, no matter how stupid it may be. We're just not built the same way. Your girlfriends will be able to tell you when he's just being stupid (which is most of the time). And most of the time, it's not calculated stupidity, so you may want to go easy on him.

Be willing to forgive and forget. Now, maybe some things are harder than others. I understand that. And if you find that you just can't move on from those harder situations, then don't waste anymore of your time or his. Why stay in something that you'll just end up resenting or regretting? And if you have kids with this man, leave them out of it. Your problems aren't their shit!

SONG OF THE DAY: "Forgive Me" by Leona Lewis and Evanescence
The one by Leona Lewis isn't a typical "sappy" love song, but I like the message.She seems to care about the guy, genuinely, because she hopes he can forgive her, yet she also cares about herself and is willing to say when he's just not cutting it. She's putting herself first and that's what should happen. She can't change him. She can't make him love her. She has to "take the chance" on love, on being loved.

The Evanescence song is about saying something that probably wasn't meant to hurt, but was said and can't be taken back. And now that those words have been said, forgiveness is the only thing that can rectify the situation. This happens to everyone, no matter how hard we try to be mindful of it. The person in the song seems to be pleading for forgiveness; there's nothing else.

I Will Say "I Won't"

I find it ironic that the saying I've heard so many times, "the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body," is a lie. The reason I find it ironic is that the tongue is used to lie; therefore, it produces misconception upon itself.

It's also ironic that the tongue is what jumpstarts the digestive system - most of what touches the tongue becomes...well, shit. So, the tongue "produces" or "assists" in the creation of shit...in 2 ways.

What comes out of people's mouths can also be shit. What they say...what they promise...what they claim to be gospel truth. Even their eyes can lie to you. Actors do it all the time...get their eyes to lie - I didn't mean to insinuate actors lie all the time (that would be a whole other blog topic).

The song says, "The Heart Won't Lie." I find that title or message interesting. It's not titled "The Heart Doesn't Lie." It goes further to say it "won't" lie - as if it's incapable or not something it's willing to do.

Our heart is one of the few things in our body we can't will or boss around. We can't make it feel something it doesn't - or won't. How is it that I can practice walking, as if it's second nature, and eventually my brain tells my legs to walk. But I can't practice loving someone and then one day tell my brain to love them and I will.

I'm sure that I'm not alone when I say that I've asked my heart to stop beating at one time or another, so I didn't have to feel the pain. But it won't stop. It won't stop beating until it decides, or God decides (depending on what you personally believe). And then sometimes when it does stop, it can't even be revived with an AED or some kind of shock device.

And when you fall in love, it's not something to tell yourself to feel. It happens without will or practice. Maybe that's where they come up with the phrases "fall in love" or "fall out of love." Illuding to stumbling upon it (or out of it) or unsuspecting.

The hard part is not to fall in love or fall out of love; that seems too easy for some people. The hard part is staying in love, staying in that stumbled, unsuspecting state and feeling comfortable in it. I'm no expert on the subject, but here's what I was thinking about. The feeling you had when you "fell in love" can't be the same feeling that you have while you're in it - unless you continue to fall in love with them all over again.

Keep going with me on this one...

When you fall, literally fall, what do you do afterwards? You're not in a continual fall. You hit the ground. Let's say you hit the ground running. Now, there could be 2 types of this; two very different types. You could hit the ground running as far away from love as possible...or...or you could hit the ground running, full speed into the next stage of love.

What else do you do when you fall? You could either lay there and wait for someone to come along and pick you up, or you can dust yourself off and get a head start on the one coming along.

But, no matter what you do after you fall, everyone looks around and wonders who saw them...now, that could either create a feeling of embarrassment or laughter (nervous or otherwise). Why do we care if someone saw us fall in love? It's not like we can stop it. You don't control your heart. It's not your job to control it. It may be your job to decipher what it's saying to you, but don't try to control it. It won't work. You'll just end up frustrated with yourself...and still feeling the same you did when you started. The only difference is that you are more than likely alone now, in your love.

I believe that you can love someone even if they don't love you. God loved me WAY before I loved Him. (I threw that WAY in there for my geographic peeps - your silly lingo.) If you're a parent and your child says they hate you, do you still love them? Even if they really do hate you? You don't just stop loving because it's not reciprocated. If someone dies (passes on), do you stop loving them because they can't love you anymore? I know the answer to this one first hand, NO. No, you don't just stop loving. No matter how hard we may try; we don't. We can't. I say, we won't.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Can't Stop Loving You" by Phil Collins
I know the song is titled with "Can't," but the chorus says, "Cuz I can't stop loving you / No I can't stop loving you / No I won't stop loving you..." I like that he says "can't" first, two times, and then says "won't" - as if it's more powerful and submissive.
I also like that I can tie a little of the lying part in here as well. He says, "Well, I could say everything's alright / and I could pretend and say goodbye / But that would be lying..." And then, of course, the chorus echo of "Why should I? / Why should I? / Why should I, even try?"

I know that I need to learn to submit to my feelings more. I try to control them, with no positive outcome I might add. And although I may not have a choice on whom I fall in love with and whom I don't, my choice becomes what I do afterwards. Do I lay there, helpless and feeling very alone...or do I realize that I can't control whom I love anymore than anyone else and get up and get on with it...? You also have a choice afterwards of how you treat those you love, loved, or want to love you. If you treat them badly and want to hurt them, it probably wasn't true love. You may have just fallen into a mud hole and blamed it on love. Love may be blind, but not because you have mud in your eye.

You Just Don't Know

I've done the online dating scene for many years, and as much as I despise it, it's the only way that I seem to meet men...well, until a few days ago.

I was actually in a different city on a date (a 2nd date actually), which I was REALLY excited about and didn't go too well. Now, the scenery was breath-taking, the drinks were fabulous, the fire's warmth was perfect, and the atmosphere was magnificent. However, the expectations or intimidations or just the conversation made it somewhat awkward and uncomfortable. I haven't quite pinpointed the problem, but it may have had something to do with the fact that we weren't facing each other since the chairs were faced toward the fire and the scenery. It may have been the fact that he didn't really feel like talking or giving up too much information about himself. I don't know. He mentioned that we'd "only known each other 3 hours...and it takes a long time to get to know him." Well, you know what Mr. Mysterious?! You weren't that way on our first date, so what's up? Our first date was great! Conversation flowed, eye contact was mesmerizing, and I just wanted to go home with him and share his last name. But the 2nd date left a lot to be desired...mainly him.

So, as I got into my car and received more compliments from the valet than my date, I wondered what went wrong. Then I thought, you know, I shouldn't be surprised. I meet a nice guy, we seem to hit it off, and then 'poof' - done. So, then I began wondering about the next guy...yes, I move on quickly.

It was quite a jaunt back to my city, so I stopped at a gas station to get a fountain drink. I parked between a really big truck and a car. As I left the gas station, the two men were getting into their vehicles. The one promptly got into his truck and drove away. The other, however, stood outside of his open car door facing my car. I got to my car and he says, "You going out tonight?"

Now, I'm usually annoyed with people who try to pick me up, but I must've been in a good mood because I stood there and talked to him for quite awhile. And our conversation seemed to go a heck of a lot better than my "official" date. He's not my normal MO, but I gave him my number anyway. He seems like a good ol' boy. He had just been elk hunting all day. He was ruggedly charming.

SIDE NOTE STORY: Before I went into the house that night, I sat in my car for a few minutes out in the parking lot just reminiscing on the evening. I noticed that my phone was transmitting something, and for fear of draining the battery, I thought I better figure out what it was doing. I thought maybe I didn't turn off the last application I used correctly, which was Google Sky Maps to identify a star on the deck of my 1st date's well-chosen spot. I opened the application back up and had the phone just resting on my leg; I wasn't trying to see what stars/planets/constellations were in the direction of my leg! And, of course keeping with the weridness of my night, the constellation, Phoenix, was the only thing to appear on my screen. I see this as an "echo." I have this habit of naming men that I like by the city they live in. That's how I differentiate with my friends who live far away. Anyway, my pilot crush is named Phoenix (I also have a Memphis, a Boston, and there used to be a Pocatello - which also made a minor appearance today). I just shook my head, stared at my phone a minute, and said, "really?"

Now, back to the gas station guy. He didn't even wait an hour to call me. I had made it home and had just enough time to get my pajamas on, when he called.We talked for awhile, and I had another call coming in. It was a very unknown number, and history has proven that when a very odd number comes up on my phone, it's my pilot crush in the war. So, I had to answer it.

Yet, it definitely wasn't him. I don't actually know who it was...still don't. I know his first name, that he's GREAT at witty banter, likes movies, and can make me laugh. Oh, and I know that he lives in the city that I had just been in about an hour ago. I don't go to this city often (hadn't been there for months before meeting my first date), so I'm quite interested in the coincidence. I think I'd like to talk to him again, and more than likely, go out with him. He seems just quirky enough to like.

Now, no, I didn't leave the other guy on the line while I talked to him. I told him that I'd have to call him back because I was on the other line. But I promptly called him back after the previous phone call ended.

Plus, I have to add that an old "acquaintance" had just came back into my life via Facebook a few days prior to this "Day of Men." So, naturally, on this day, I receive a VERY weird email from him. And I hadn't heard a peep from his guy in over a year, and all of a sudden I get an email about a sex-enhancing drug. Now, not one of those emails about buy this drug...an email with a link to a medical website about the benefits of this drug. Nice!

I do have to add that is really was a full moon. The reason I know that is because I had mentioned it to my 1st date of the evening. I say first date, because by the time I went to sleep, I felt like I'd had 3 dates. I will compare them to an interview process.

1st one was the 2nd interview - you know, making it past the initial first meeting and answering all of the questions right. The one you feel good about until you get there and realize that it's not going as well as the first.

2nd one was a face-to-face interview, but nothing really substantial - just
checking to see if they're interested in you, asking you back for another interview.

3rd one was the phone interview, which I might add doesn't always happen in the dating world as much as it used to. The phone interviews are some of my favorite dates.

I also have to add that I just happened to be wearing the EXACT same outfit (minus the boots, tank top, and necklace) that I was wearing when I met my pilot crush on the airplane. Must be a lucky outfit. Guys are just attracted to it I guess...except for guys that I'm on 2nd dates with apparently. (I'm just annoyed by my eager anticipation and excitement being squelched. I don't normally get excited about 2nd dates. History over the past year and a half supports that hypothesis!)

Not quite done with the coincidences though. I woke up at 320am, out of the blue, for no reason. Wide awake. I sat there for a minute wondering what the heck was going on. I got up, grabbed a snack, and sat in bed. All of a sudden, my phone started vibrating like crazy! I received 3 emails at 324am from my pilot crush. I really do love and appreciate his emails, but circumstances were just a little too bizarre. So, I buried my head in pillow and forced myself to sleep. I couldn't wait for a new day.

I don't think I've EVER had a day quite like that. And not really sure that I want to again. It was a little too extreme. But I am going out with one of them tomorrow night. Guess you'll have to guess which one.

SONG OF THE DAY: "It's Raining Men"
I thought this song was quite appropriate. I've never had that many encounters with different men in my entire life. I guess I wouldn't have been surprised had they started falling out of the sky.

Cold Stone Creamery, Baskin Robbins, Blue Bunny, Schwan's, Land o'Lakes, etc.

I LOVE ice cream! Always have. But what's my favorite? Well, depends on the day, the mood, or the weather. I used to absolutely LOVE chocolate chip cookie dough. I used to just eat the cookie dough and leave most of the ice cream. But then I kind of got sick of it and liked plain chocolate, but then that was a little too chocolately for me, so I switched to vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup and mixed it together for the perfect blend.

Then you have Cold Stone Creamery. Wow! That place is the Starbucks of ice cream. Not only do you have to choose a flavor (or multiple flavors to mix) of ice cream, but what size you want, if you want it in a cup or cone, what size of cup, what kind of cone, and what ingredients to mix in with it. I get overwhelmed and just end up with the Like It size, one flavor of ice cream, and both of my choices end up being double of one choice.
But it doesn't stop me from going there.

I think men are like flavors of ice cream. You could have a "Flavor of the Week." You could be boring (or loyal) and stick with the exact same kind for your entire life. You could change it up every time you go out.

Then adding the ingredients or toppings is like finding the qualities in a man that you like. So, you're trying to create the perfect combination.

So then what happens if they're out of one of your favorite flavors or ingredients? Which they were last time I was at Cold Stone. I was appalled. I wanted to just leave without getting my ice cream. No vanilla wafers?! Come on! I can't put gummy bears in my Cotton Candy ice cream...they get too hard and then it's no longer enjoyable to eat!

Do I do that with men too? If there's one thing that I didn't ask for or want in the relationship, is the sale final? Or do I ask for a refund? I'd have to say that most of the time, I've been asking for a refund.

Well, let me tell you what happened. I, of course, was less than pleased with them being out of wafers to add to my cotton candy flavored ice cream. The lady must've been able to read it on my face. So, she advised me that I should mix the Cotton Candy ice cream with Strawberry ice cream (which I had never thought of). She has not idea what I like...but I hesitantly agreed. I was disgruntled, so I obstinately declined any fun sprinkles or other kind of candy. Stubborn, I know.

And here's what I found. I liked it. I liked it so much, I didn't really miss the wafers. It could've been that much better with the wafers, but maybe they would've ruined the flavor.

What I'm getting at - is that although you've gone most of your life thinking you know exactly what you're looking for and want (out of a man or ice cream), there may still be a few that surprise you...and we find a new favorite. And just because one combination didn't work out, doesn't mean that those same ingredients with a different type of ice cream won't be perfect.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Ice Cream" by Sarah McLachlan
I used to listen to this song when I was in high school I think. I thought I was going to have a hard time finding a song to go with my ice cream theme, but then I remembered this one. I'm laughing right now as I writing this. So clever.

Now I really do love ice cream, so for something's love to be better than ice cream...wow! That's love! I wonder what flavor that would be... I guess love has to be better than ice cream though. Ice cream melts.

Another first...

So, it's no secret that I'm not a patient person. I don't do well with sitting around and waiting for...anything to happen.

I am quite taken by a certain boy. That also is no secret. However, this particular boy may or may not really be interested in me. He can't handle any strings attached right now and that's totally fine. But I can't just sit around either and see if he eventually decides that it's me he wants to be with.

So, I've moved on...to a man. The distinction between man and boy is a hard one to determine sometimes. Maturity and age do play a very big role in whether I classify them as a boy or man. My previous crush is a boy - age-wise and his maturity in where he's at in relationships. But my newest endeavor is most definitely a man. He's 6 years older than I am, which may be a good thing. He's very mature in his life, his passion, and what he wants out of a relationship.

I hesitated on whether or not to meet him. I was at a weird place in my own search for a relationship. But I decided to finally give in and say yes. And boy, I'm glad I did.

We emailed and texted each other for a while first, which proved to be good conversation and bantering. He's witty and genuinely complimentary. Then we met and he's got a great smile and I appreciated the continuous eye contact. He doesn't seem full of himself, although he's accomplished enough in his life thus far to justify if he was. He's passionate about everything he says and does. He's just out to enjoy all life has to offer, and I'm so attracted to that quality.

Although we were sitting in a dimly lit bar, I could feel myself blushing at times. As he sat there and listened intently to my interview question answers, it was as though he was trying to read my soul.

And don't worry. My boy crush and I still email each other every other day, if not every day. We even talk about this new man that has come into my life. I'm a very honest person and I don't see the point in not being open about the men in my life...with the other men in my life. If either of them have a problem with it, they have 2 choices: 1) get over it or 2) get on with it. Or 3) eventually take me off the market. Simple enough.

These two guys are so different from each other. It kind of baffles me that I could be interested in either one. At this point though, I'm a little more interested in the one that is present and accounted for...and says that he's interested in me. Seems to be a winning combination so far.

The only weird thing...this new man looks an awful lot like an ex-boyfriend of mine. There are a couple of obvious differences...but for the most part, it's hard not to see a resemblance.

He makes me feel a little like a teenager. I like the way he talks about things he wants to do in life and what he wants his girlfriend to be. No 'first kiss' yet, but I anticipate that will come soon enough. I'm just going to enjoy getting to know him...he's piqued my interest anyway.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry
I wasn't nervous on my way to meet him, but once I sat down with him...I was. I felt myself blush, and it wasn't just the drinks. I knew that I wanted to impress him and wanted him to like me. He made me a little nervous when he said he'd met other girls in the past couple months, but no second dates. And then at the end of the night, it was just, "keep in touch." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! But soon after leaving the text messages reaffirmed my ego, and a second date was promptly set. I may have even written about him in my journal...just like in high school.

It Must Not Be Enough

Why do they say that love is enough when clearly it's never enough? If love was enough, then why do we want a family? Why do we need a bigger house? A more expensive car? A certain carat for our ring? Why aren't we just satisfied in a relationship when we're in love? Why do they need to get a promotion or make more money?

When is enough really enough?

It seems that most couples just coast through life getting married and having kids but never really spending time together until they've retired and the kids have grown. What are we teaching our children about marriage and relationships within your household? Children will pick up on the fact if you treat your spouse/partner with love and respect or you don't have time to even ask about their day. And children aren't the only one to pick up on it.

When you go into a relationship, do you ask yourself, "Will he love me forever" or "If I stay with him, when can I retire?" Why isn't our time with the ones we love about "the now."

Don't wait to take trips. Don't wait to say I love you. Don't wait to fall in love all over again.

I'm not saying this because of what can happen tomorrow; I'm saying it because of what can happen today. Why live your today's thinking only about tomorrow?

Celebrate something every day. Treat the ones you love as if every day is their birthday. Let the kids jump on the bed. Take time out for a picnic in the living room. Play the piano badly. Kiss him goodnight, every night.

Just live and love - because it IS enough.

SONG OF THE DAY: "How You Live" by Point of Grace
No one really ever died of a broken heart. The best things in life are usually free. When you're old and grey, and you look back at your life, what do you want to see and say? I wish I would've... I wish we would've... I always wanted to... I never got to... Don't let yourself say those things. There's still time to change your circumstance, your mind, and your heart. Don't waste your life. The only one stopping you from living your dreams...is you. If the ones around you truly love you, they won't stand in your way. They'll support you and be there with you every step of the way - being the first one to congratulate you and to say how proud they are of you.

What Would You Do?

Have you ever had one last day with someone? Maybe you didn't know it was your last day, so you may have done something different if you had known. Think back to a relationship or argument with someone and it was the last time you saw them.

I have one very particular instance of this, but that's not where I'm going with this entry. As much as I hope this new instance doesn't end in tragedy like the other, I have no way of knowing.

I've never said so many goodbyes to one person. We knew it was going to be goodbye, but the "when" changed many times. This man was not my boyfriend, but he became a really great friend. Someone to just hang out with and laugh with - no expectations, no promises made. We just enjoyed each other's company and laughed A LOT.

We knew that he was leaving eventually. But we thought we had more time. That time was cut short by orders saying he needed to leave a whole month early and stay 3 months longer than anticipated. We still didn't know the exact date of his departure. We just knew we didn't have as much time as before.

Our relationship seemed to change a little. The things we talked about and the way we treated each other. We had tried the dating thing before and it wasn't what I wanted. What he was willing to give didn't interest me - what he was holding back is what interested me...but that was before.

He said it finally hit him. That he was going to war. I'm not sure it's hit me yet. He talked softer and looked at me longer. Every time we were together during that last week, we thought was going to be the last. But then we seemed to find another time or day to spend together.

We just seemed to do whatever we wanted with whatever time we had left. We ate junk food and went to movies, listened to music and danced around the house. We went shopping and ate ice cream. Nothing outwardly substantial, yet I loved every moment of it.

Nothing was established as far as what we feel or want from the other person. I think we both just didn't want to be alone. Now we did say a lot of things to each other that probably didn't make any sense or hope any significance, but many of our conversations weren't deep. A few of them, yes, but for the most part, it was kept light and free from argument.

I do miss his smile and his jokes (although most of them were crude). I was spoiled the first couple days he was gone because I still received an email every day, no matter if it was from the airport in Istanbul or a 150-person tent in Krygyzstan. I still felt like he was here.

But now that I haven't received one in a couple of days...I wonder. I think back to the last couple of days we hung out. I wonder if it should've been more substantial. Maybe we should've made it more memorable. Done more big things. Because what if it was our last?

I made him a card and shrunk it so it would fit in his wallet. It was a picture of an F-16 facing the sunset. The picture was fitting because he flies F-16's and will be flying the "vampire" shift. I wrote on the card, "During the ritual of the setting sun, know I look to the sky and pray for your safety...every night until you return."

My hope now is that he is safe and last week wasn't our last.

SONG OF THE DAY: "One More Day" by Diamond Rio
I used to listen to this song a long time ago when I lost someone very dear to me. It's not quite the same situation this time, but the possibility is there. It was hard to say goodbye multiple times thinking that every time was the last. But as I saw him board the plane, I knew it was our last time for a very long time. I heard this song on the radio as I was leaving his house one night. It was very fitting. It made me wonder what we would've done the next time and the next time...all the while thinking it was our last. We never really thought about it much or planned our time together. We just did what we wanted, when we wanted. The song is right though...it would've left me "wishing still for one more day."

Except the Exception

They say there's an exception to every rule. The book "He's Just Not That Into You" says there's an exception. So, what is this exception about?

We all make up rules for ourselves in life. I won't do this, I won't do that. If this happens, then I'll do that. But we seem to be forced into saying "the exception" to that is...

Why do we make rules if there's always an exception? Then it's not really a rule, right?

I made a lot of rules regarding relationships in my life. I thought I was putting them into place to protect myself; guarding myself from getting hurt. Well, I can never get hurt if I never fully put myself into something. And I'll never put myself fully into something unless I have an escape plan. Some sign or feeling to know when to call it quits.

Do we make exceptions in love? Or is love the exception to every rule we make? I won't do this unless I'm in love. I won't say this unless I'm in love. I won't go there unless I'm in love.

I recently told someone that I couldn't see them anymore unless...except if he was willing to be serious about a relationship with me. Why did I do that, say that to him? Honestly, I don't know. The title? The responsibility for my feelings?

I was protecting myself I guess. I thought "I'm only going to get hurt." "It'll never work out." So I said goodbye to a man who treated me with respect and consideration to find someone willing to say "I am serious about you."

I also told this man that I wasn't sure if I could be his friend. But a few days later, a friend was what he needed more than a girlfriend. I told myself that I would be his friend, unless/except if it got too hard for me.

The first casual lunch together felt like nothing had changed. We talked the same, we laughed the same, and my heart felt the same. But my head was the exception. It was holding up a CAUTION sign. BEWARE.

But there was something about this man that I loved being around. He made me laugh and he had a passion for something I witnessed in his eyes. We still talked on the phone and texted. It felt good to be his friend, except when I remember to check in with my heart and it reminded me that I want more with this man.

I used to have this rule about not meeting someone's parents/family until at least we'd determined what we "were" to each other. I made an exception to that today (yesterday).

My time with this friend is being cut short by early, unexpected deployment and extension of duty. I used this as my excuse for my exception. I had limited time to say goodbye to my friend until next March, and having to drive him and his parents from the airport to his house shouldn't be a reason to be hard-headed.

I was nervous but it was fine. It's funny when you meet someone's parents and you can see pieces, glimpses of them in each parent. Their relationship toward each other was sweet and playful. It made me smile.

I thought I'd drop them off, say a quick goodbye, and not see him until next March. I didn't know what to expect. I told myself that I wouldn't stay and intrude. And although his parents traveled across the entire country to see him, he and I left the house and spent an hour talking privately.

It was hard to sit and listen to his concerns about life and his wants when he gets back. The hard part was sitting their thinking that I want those same things out of life. And when he said, "When I get back, you'll probably be married with kids," I started to realize that I may not be just a soundboard to his goals.

But being the protector that I am, I said, "It's a possibility." Which realistically isn't true because he'll be gone for 8 months. Pretty sure it takes 9 to have a baby.

I think he was trying to open up and tell me something, but I purposely wasn't being receptive to the conversation. I was vague and short with my responses. Mostly because I didn't feel like crying at Starbucks. I've tried to tell myself that he doesn't mean as much as I originally thought, and Starbucks wasn't my ideal place to say goodbye to someone or have a "this is what I want when I get back" conversation.

As hard as I try, I continue to fail. He's becoming the exception to a lot of my previous rules. There's too many factors: time and location being two major ones.

I am both the teenager daughter and the mother. I tell myself I can't do something, and I do it anyway. I take the keys away on principle, only to give them back on weakness.

We've decided to email each other while he's gone. And again, I don't know why I agreed to that. I'm a sucker. I can't help myself I guess. A southern accent and a killer smile is all it took. That and the slight glint tears in his eyes. I just couldn't say no.

So, I guess I'll just keep a list of exceptions since they don't seem to end where he's concerned. Maybe exception is the way to clarity.

SONG OF THE DAY: "The Only Exception" by Paramore
"I'd never sing of love if it did not exist." What a great line!
The words of this song seem to come from a dream stemming from my subconscious. I hear them and mouth them along with the music...I can't help but think someone is reading my thoughts. From heartbreak to what I tell myself to avoid it. Then meeting someone that may be worth rethinking the mediation between my head and my heart.
And then the lyrics about the person leaving in the morning when he wakes.

"I told myself I'm content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk." I'm fairly sure I've said that to myself if not out loud to a close friend. I used to joke with a few college friends that the comedy of being a romantic writer who doesn't have romance herself was poetic. Now, I think it's kind of pathetic.

It's like trying to write about a travel destination without having been there. "Write what you know." That's what all the advisories say when you go to a writing workshop or bootcamp.

Well, I know that, right now, I don't want to be without a certain exception.

Where It All Started...and Ended For Me

As I sat at the desk of my overnight job last night, I wondered why I felt so sad, so nostalgic. I even cried and had no idea why.

My heart is sad and heavy again tonight. And as I look at the calendar and remember the date that will be forever etched in my mind, I understand why.

It's been 14 years. 14 years. I can't believe it's been that long. 14 years ago I truly understood the meaning of loss. I lost the first boy I ever loved.

When I was with him, I was 14. So, maybe that makes this the "Golden" year of rememberance. I was 14, young, naive, without a care in the world, in love, and not knowing what any of it was. It's also the first time that I truly felt loved in return.

He's the one I compare every man to. He's the one I remember among all others. He's the one I would've given my life for. He gave me and taught me so much about life, although his was cut short. He wasn't perfect by any means, but no one held a candle to him for me.

He showed me the perfect balance of laughter and love. He taught me it's okay to fight for something if you truly want it. He also inadvertantly showed me humility and weakness.

He was a romantic and beautiful in every sense of the word. He was my last great Valentine's Day. I kept the flowers and vase for years...I may still have them stuffed away somewhere at my mother's house.

I tried so hard to hang on to him. I was afraid of letting go, fearing most that I would forget him. Forget what he taught me. Forget what true love is. I'm afraid that I'll never find it again. Not like that. Not that innocent and free kind of loving someone. No fear of being rejected, no fear of losing them. It was the sweetest and purest kind of love.

Fourteen years and I can remember his laugh like it was yesterday. How he'd laugh with his tongue between his teeth. When he got embarrassed, he'd laugh, shrug, and wink all at the same time. He impressed and loved the people around me because he knew that was important to me. He held me so tightly, so securely that sometimes when I close my eyes and just breath, I think I can feel him.

And I've spent 14 years trying to figure out if that was it. If that was the love that I was meant for in my life. I've tried to find that same love, although I'm beginning to believe there's no possibility of finding that same kind of love again.

I'm a different person now. I'm not that young, 14 year old girl who really didn't know what she had or wanted out of life. I have more at stake and more to give. I would've liked to spend my life with him. But that just wanted our fate. It wasn't "in the cards" so to speak.

I will never forget him; I know that now. For most of us, we have the same heart for our entire lives. So, when someone touches your heart at 14 years of age, you carry that with you for life. Your heart remembers even when your head tries to cope.

He was my foundation for love. My first, but not my last.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers
Although we had many songs throughout our relationship, this one was always the one that made us think of each other, no matter where we were. The context now seems a little foreshadowed, yet I still smile when I hear it. If this song came on at a school dance growing up, I would sit it out for him, especially after he was gone. I refused to dance with anyone else to this song. I felt it was the least I could do. To this day, he is the last one I've danced with to this song.

To Be Somebody's Something

Why do we engage in relationships? Romantically that is. There may be multiple reasons. Each one is probably different. Age, gender, race, etc. plays its own role in the 'why.'

One of my guy friends seems to comment or jab that all women care about how much money [men] make. Now, he's said this before during conversations, but this one happened to start out with, "They don't care what type of aircraft you fly."

Now, I had to agree. I don't care what type of aircraft a guy flies, even though I understand the difference. I also don't care how much money he or any other guy makes. But for the sake of conversation and carefree banter, I indulged him with, "women only care about how much money you make if she's been scorned or you're not worth loving." Now, obviously I was joking. But it got me thinking about what people are looking for in relationships.

Some are looking for true love. Some just want companionship. Some want to have a family, have kids. Some looking for security, which may involve money or loyalty.

And what if those things they are looking for change after marriage? What they wanted then is no longer what they need now.

We're constantly changing, growing, learning...do you just find someone that is willing to put up with it? Someone passive enough to go along with it? Or is there more to it than that? Are we better matched with certain people? And why is that?

I've struggled with relationships that seem to be heavily dependent. I'm an independent person, and I guess I'm looking for someone equally as independent but still someone who cares. Yet I do enjoy the moments that I get to do things for them. Not necessarily that they "depend" on me to do those things, but I do them because it helps them and they'll probably appreciate it. Even really small things. On second thought, especially the small things. Maybe just being there...an ear, a hug, a kiss, a smile, a joke, a kind word. Maybe just knowing that you have someone on your side.

I must be getting sentimental as I age.

I once had a guy tell me, while holding me, that "sometimes you just need to be held." He was a fairly famous playwright and very good with words, but it's what I needed at the time. Even if he would've been from the annoying college student from the dorm floor below, I think it still would've had the same impact.

It wasn't about who it was from; it was about receiving something that I needed.

Is it about the moments or the people in them?

SONG OF THE DAY: "Me" by Plumb
This song has been on my iPod for about 3 weeks now, and I think yesterday is the first day I heard the words. They're so simple and sweet. "I wouldn't trade your love for all the candy in this great big world." Yet my favorite line is: "I wash your face to make room for all the kisses of tomorrow." That completely and utterly touches my heart. Simply beautiful. That's my kind of romance. That's what I want to be for somebody and somebody for me.
What are you to your someboday? What are they to you?

Love Defined...?

This is what Merriam-Webster says online:
*1 (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love
*2 : warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion
*3 : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration b (1) : a beloved person : darling —often used as a term of endearment (2) British —used as an informal term of address
*4 a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God
*5 : a god or personification of love
*6 : an amorous episode : love affair
*7 : the sexual embrace : copulation
*8 : a score of zero (as in tennis)

And there you have it; the experts have defined what I've been wondering. I must be confused because I'm not sure I agree with all of those. And why is 'love' listed as a noun? Really? A person, place, thing, or idea? Not sure I agree with that either. I would think it's more of a verb. To run, to jump, to swim, to love. Action. No? Yes?

I think next to 'love' in the dictionary it should say "open for interpretation."

What is love? What is it to me? Is it different to you? Is it different from 50 years ago? Maybe even from 10 years ago?

I certainly don't view love the same as I did when I was in junior high or high school. I wish I did - cause then I may have cherished certain relationships more than others. But then, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog right now. Never know.

But really? How do we measure love? What 'tool?' What 'scale' is it measure on? How people give and receive love is different, so then why aren't we looking for someone that gives or receives the same as we do? Why don't we have those conversations about "How do you feel loved by me?" "When do you feel that I love you the most?" And if we asked those questions and got our answer, why wouldn't we do more of those things?

Is love really a give and take? Is it a "I do for you when you do for me" type of thing? Or is it a "I love you and will show you no matter what you do or say"?

Remember back to the first time you were "in love." How did you feel? Is that what you base your "Am I in love?" question on?

How many times have you said or thought, "I love [this person] more than I loved the last one"? Can you really love 2 different people the same? I have a hard time believing that. People need to be loved, but one may not need as much as the other. What one person loves may not be what the other person loves.

How can we look for that same love we had once when it will never be found in another person?

For me, personally, I think I'm looking for something I had before. I'm making that my measurement. I'm waiting to feel "that" again. And if I don't, then it's not love? It's a hard thing for me to ask myself. I've spent a lot of years, spent a lot of tears, and spent a lot of myself on something that is literally and emotionally impossible to find, to duplicate. It's a tough realization if that's what I determine to be my life's truth.

Maybe when they perfect cloning...then I can find love. Until then, I guess I'll just keep asking the questions.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Love Remains the Same" by Gavin Rossdale
I'm not sure if I believe in what these lyrics are trying to get across, but they raise some good questions in my mind, in my heart, and in my soul. "Everything will change; Love remains the same" I guess if I believe that to be true, then I also believe that love isn't always enough. Because then why do we have divorce and heartache? Maybe he just means that everything is the entire world can change, morph, become non-existent, but love is the only thing that is constant in the world. It's the one thing that everyone will still have no matter what else they lose. I don't know. I certainly don't have all the answers tonight, just all the questions.

Even the best times can be meaningless

After a month of meaningless kisses, hand-holding, and laughter, I said "I don't think I can do this anymore." I fought back the tears and looked him straight in the face, so there was no doubt.

It was a hard choice. A choice between myself and him. I have to believe that I'm worth more than a man who treats me like a princess but tells me it won't go any further than this; than what we have right now. And what we had was completely wonderful. But what's the point in feeling wonderful for a moment, but then having to remind yourself, he "doesn't want anything serious."

And all the while, I keep thinking to myself, "how can it get more serious?" The only way it can is if we define it and talk about it futuristically.

He always said that he enjoyed being with me, laughing, "an escape from his day-to-day government job." Is that all I am? An escape from someone's real life? But he was a part of my real life, which made me feel crazy, insane; to have someone's make-believe life be a part of my real one.

And as I sat there telling him that I'm worth more than that; worth more than someone's fantasy, I don't think he got it. Because to him, it was perfect. No responsibility for anyone else's feelings but his own. No one to apologize to; no one to answer to or feel bad about hurting. Because he made it clear from our very first date. "Nothing serious."

Except his idea of "nothing serious" felt more real to me than any relationship I've had in a long time.

I told him that "I wanted to spend my time and energy on something that means something tomorrow." I don't want to exhaust myself by pretending I don't care. That's stupid. It's irresponsible and selfish.

I guess what really bothers me is how someone can kiss me and I feel something, but they don't. Nothing. At all. Nothing more than a thanks, it's been fun.

And then has the nerve to ask if we'll see each other again, if I need something to call him, and can he call me sometime. Um, NO! Wait...um, HELL NO!

I made it very clear that I'm worth more than what he has to offer. I deserve better than a meaningless relationship. Everyone does. And if I don't truly believe that I do, then I don't deserve it. And neither do you.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Boys Don't Cry" by Plumb
"But you're okay with this damaging awkwardness." What a line. I listened to this song and felt those lyrics. It showed me into his heart. What he's capable of and what he's not. And right now, he's not capable of love and I'm TIRED of being with men, waiting for them to be ready for love. Come see me when you're ready, but until then, I'm not going to sit around waiting. Because of what if they're never ready; they never feel like they can love again.
I just don't want to live my life without love. True love. A kind of love everyone deserves. And I have it to give, just not to every man that comes along. Just the one that truly deserves it and appreciates it.

There's No Going Back

I don't know how I feel about a relationship where you go out, then break up, then go out again, and break up again... That seemed to happen in high school, but does it still happen to us as adults? Should it?

I've heard some people say that "an ex is an ex for a reason." Well, yeah. I get that. But then do we just give up on people being able to change? What kind of message does that send? That everyone has to be perfect? Don't make a mistake because I will dump you for it and not look back. You get one chance, so don't blow it.

How is that fair? How is that even human? No wonder we're creatures surrounded by disappointment. Some of our expectations are ridiculous, not to mention unrealistically demanding. You're not perfect, so why do you expect everyone else to be? Because someone held YOU to that standard and because it made such an impression on you, it must be a sound expectation.

I know why we say love hurts. We put so much into love; the ones we love. So, we get hurt by the expectations that we hold those people to; expectations that they're not even aware of. Then we wonder why they're confused at our disappointment and attitude. They should've known better; they should be know me well enough to read my mind.

I've even heard people say that they'll never go back to an ex; that they forget about them the minute it's over. Now, obviously I think that's a coping mechanism and a complete lie, but interesting enough to think about. I'd be lying if I said that I've never went out with an ex. Heaven knows that's not true! Second chances should've been my middle name for awhile. Those may have been cases where I had too much faith in the person.

I just don't think that we should limit ourselves with those kind of restrictions. If you leave and forget everyone that will ever hurt you or let you down, you'll be very alone in the end. And I believe no matter who you are, even if you say you'll never think of them again, you're lying. It may sound good and make you tough and resilient, but it's a lie and you know it. The more you try to forget, the more you first have to think about that person; telling yourself to forget them, trying to get them out of your head, heart, and hold.

You're not dealing with the issues of the relationship, which means they'll always be there. No resolution. No real ending. Always another chapter to the never-ending story. Get done with one. Resolve the issues. Move on.

Sometimes it's hard if you have to do the process alone and complete the unanswered questions by yourself, but that's not an excuse to keep the case cold. What you see, what you think you see, may not be the truth. But that doesn't matter. You can't control them, what they think or feel. You are only in control of you and your actions.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Not What You See" by Savatage
I believe this song is about misunderstandings and misperceptions. The expectations that others have on us that we don't understand. The bigger picture and living life in the moment. Forget the mystery of life and love, just experience it. Be the detective, not the reader of the novel. And not to judge a book by its cover.

Need vs. Want

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between what you need and what you want in a relationship? And sometimes what you need and what you want may change with age and circumstances.

What I needed in a relationship a few months ago is not what I need in a relationship right now. But then since I'm not in a "steady" relationship, I seem to be focusing on what I want instead of what I need.

Have you ever met someone where the circumstances had to be "just right" in order to meet them? So then you wonder if there was a bigger reason as to why you met them.

I've been on hundreds of flights, maybe even thousands. Too many to count anyway. I've never really sat next to someone on an airplane and thought that I was in the right place at the right time kind-of-thing.

I've sat on an airplane next to someone and wanted to jump out of the emergency exit, but it wasn't until this last flight that I thought it may be more than a coincidence. I'm really not that chatty of a person on an airplane either. There are very few times that I talk to the person next to me. I usually just fall asleep or put in my ear phones. But when a cute boy is stuck in between you and the gentleman in the aisle seat on a 3-plus hour flight, well, let's just say I forgot that I even had an iPod to listen to.

We talked the entire flight, about everything. Then the end of the flight was closely approaching. I wondered what the protocol was. Do I ask for his number? Will he ask for mine? I didn't know and so I did nothing. But he happened to take charge at the right time. He handed me his card. Impressive? Yes. Then he asked for my number. Thank heavens there is still real men out there that take initiative!

But then I wondered what the protocol was for calling. Do I act like a guy and wait a week before calling? Do I text him because I don't know his schedule or if he really wants to talk to me? But once again, he played the role beautifully by calling first - and it only took him 2 days.

Fast forward now to our first date. It went so well. He is a complete gentleman. Opened the doors, pulled out my chair, paid for the meal (which he didn't need to do but was appreciated), and walked me to my car. So, he's either really good at this part or he's trying to impress me.

On the drive home, he called and said that he had a great time and he looks forward to seeing me again. Yep, he's good at this, but it also does impress me. I'm not normally impressed by this kind of stuff, but I told myself that I need to be more open to things and just let them happen. He seems considerate and that may be just what I need - because right now, I'm not exactly sure what I want.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Fearless Love" by Melissa Etheridge
I like the line about living my life on [my] happiness. I need to do more of that; figuring out what makes me happy and surrounding myself with it. I also like the message of the song. "I don't need to fear the end." "I want to feel this love." I'm pretty sure that I go into each of my relationships fearing the end. I assume that it won't work out and try to anticipate it before it happens. But what good does that do me? Why am I focusing on the end? I think I forget to be in the moment, to be in the relationship. I can't feel the love if it's there because I'm anticipating that even if it is there now, that it will end.
That is my relationship resolution: to not fear the end.

Outlook on Life and Love

In the past month, my life has changed quite drastically. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was a student (striving for my 3rd Bachelor's degree), in a kind-a-sort-a relationship, endlessly searching for the desired "love," and with little to no hope that I would find it.

I stopped writing this blog after a sermon at church about "Love that Lasts." I thought that sermon had nothing to do with me because it would be geared toward married couples only. But I was engulfed by the message I was left with. I already knew that men and women are different, but I must have been in the right place at the right time to finally listen.

Then I also thought back to the series of sermons before that, specifically the one about "The Idol of Romantic Love." This is the one sin that I have had my whole life. I've went from one boyfriend to the next, to the next, to the next, and sometimes before the other one had even healed. That may have been a way of coping, a way of not having to deal with the hurt, the rejection, and the feeling of being (once again) alone.

That's a hard truth to come to about yourself. And then the question of 'why?' Why do I allow myself to do that? Why don't I want to feel? Why is it so terrible to shed a tear for someone I cared about, maybe even loved? I think that's a question I'll have to think about and explore more to finally receive the answer.

There was a study done explaining a cycle for men and women. Women wanted to be loved and men want to be respected. When a women doesn't feel loved, she reacts against her man, usually vocally and in anger. That, in turn, makes him feel disrespected, and he reacts by shutting down or turning away from her. That, in turn, makes her feel unloved, and the cycle continues. Now, of course, it can start with a man feeling disrespected by his woman, and that starts the cycle as well. Men thrive and flourish in a relationship when a woman shows and appreciates his desire to work, achieve, protect, lead, serve, counsel, and sexual intimacy. Women thrive and flourish in a relationship when a man shows her he wants to be close, open up, doesn't want to fix her, understands, he is "all" in, and wants to honor her.

A book was written called, "Sex Starts in the Kitchen." I'm don't remember the author's name, but I believe the point is that for women, sex starts with touch. Men touch women to get sex, and women have sex to get touched.

There's also the book by Gary Chapman about the Five Love Languages, which was our sermon last Sunday. I'd heard of them before and taken the quiz myself, but I didn't listen or take it to heart. I am "Quality Time," but just not all the time. I'm very independent and busy, but when I'm together with a man, I want to know that he's there (for however long) to be with me; not his phone, his email, his electronics, his garage, his buddies, or anything else that he does when I'm not around. I'm usually only able to go out on a date once out of the week and in order to feel like it's worthwhile, I need it to be quality since it can't be quantity.

Over the past month, I've quit school, got a wonderful rewarding part-time job, met some great women with amazing hearts, started going to a Bible study, and finished things I keep telling myself "I'll get to." Physically, I have less. But I feel like I have more than I deserve.

I'm doing things for myself. I'm learning about real love. The kind that unconditional. The kind that never fails, never leaves, never disappoints. I'm being lead away from the lies that I've told myself, the loneliness I thought I had to feel, and the pain from past relationships that I had no control over.

I'm no longer waiting for love to start my life. I'm starting to love life...again.

Where are you being led?

SONG OF THE DAY: "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real
There may be a better song to go with this entry, but I heard this song on the radio the other day and it just touched my heart. I always thought that I had complete control over what happens to me and my life. That all of my outcomes were there because of something I did or said - or didn't say or do. I blamed myself and others for a lot of the things that I didn't like about my life or situation. I spent so much trying to figure out what went wrong. What if this? What if that? I could've changed it. It could've been different. But at the end of the day, it really just doesn't matter. What good does it do? I was trying to do it all on my own. Without guidance, without friends, without believing it would ever work. I didn't have faith in love, which meant I didn't have faith in myself to love enough or be loved enough. But what is enough? When does it become enough? How do you gauge it? You don't. You just live and love - and sometimes you see the miracle and gift that love offers. We're human. There's no such thing as perfect love, and I don't believe that love is all we need. I do believe that faith and hope still need to be in the equation for love to reveal itself fully.

So, ready or not...

Attraction: The semicolon of relationships

What is attraction? It's not lust or love. It's not about thinking someone is handsome or even attractive. I don't think attraction is a feeling or emotion either.

I think it's a sense. Maybe like a sixth sense. It's wanting to know someone on a deeper level. See into their soul. What they're truly made of. What makes them cry. What makes them laugh. What makes them angry. Who has hurt them in the past and what their dreams are for the future.

I'm talking about the electricity between two people. Maybe it even brings them together - from across a crowded room or lead them to the same aisle in the grocery store. You see them and then smile because you finally realize you've been staring at them for the last minute and a half.

You have to learn to recognize it and listen to it though. Follow it. It's what brings you back to each other after a fight. It's what makes you want to touch them softly and squeeze them tightly.

You also need to be careful though. Sometimes we make ourselves believe we're attracted to that person because we just want SO badly to be with someone...which eventually becomes anyone. You want the relationship, not the person. And that's not fair to either one of you.

But sometimes we find something in that person that you believe in. That was always one of my problems. I would usually try to go after the untamable ones (for the challenge probably) but then become fixated on seeing the good in them. Knowing that they're better than what they're portraying. Knowing that even though the wall is high and the water rough, what's inside of them is worth it.

I can see it. But they don't want to - either at the time or ever. I loved them for what they were inside. Tragedy is passion. It just made me want to hold them closer, kiss them longer. Make them feel loved.

And it breaks my heart when they don't see what I see. When they don't believe in themselves enough to be loving in return.

SONG OF THE DAY: "To Make You Feel My Love" by Adele
Every time I hear this song, I think of the movie "Hope Floats." What do you do to make someone feel your love? Are they receptive? Which of the 5 Love Languages are you? If you haven't before, check out what your Love Language is. If you're in a relationship, see what your partner's Love Language is. Then compare. Because chances are you're trying to love someone the way you feel loved, not the way they feel loved. It may make a difference in your relationship.

Who Would I Take to Hawaii?

After spending a much-needed vacation in Hawaii, I have to say that it probably wasn't the best place to be single.

A lot of people go to Hawaii for their weddings, honeymoons, anniversaries, etc. Just to be together in paradise. Of course there are other things to do there, but you'll never escape the obvious nature of the couples.

I found myself envious of them. Wanting someone to hold hands with (which is a little bizzare for me anyway), dance with, watch the sunset with.

I've been to Hawaii five times now - never with a significant other. I think the only trips that I've ever taken that were "romantic" were Paris and Scotland about 10 years ago and Canton, OH.

Now, I know Canton, OH doesn't sound like a romantic place, but it turned out to be.

It was a first date too. Our plane rides were nonstop conversation and taking turns at the window seat. He was ruggedly handsome, probably still is. One of my friends and I nicknamed him "The Bass Fisherman." I always seemed to have nicknames for my boyfriends or dating adventures. It was more fun that way.

A few fun ones: The Lumberjack, The Citizen, Red/Green, Trip, Spot, Dot, and Tot. I dated the last three at the same time, and it was easier to have rhyming names for them in order for my friends to differenciate which one I was talking about. Tot actually turned out to have many names after that (#2, Mr. My Dating Life Sucks, and LAB to name a few)because I guess you could say that he became the "chosen one." I think that's only because Dot didn't have the talent of Whitman and Spot moved to the other side of the country. When I first started dating those three, it went in that order of preference: Spot, Dot, and Tot. Boy was I surprised when Tot ended up being the one that I really wanted to be with.

Anyway, back to the romantic Ohio date. He was SO excited to go. He said he'd "always wanted to go to Ohio." But then again, he had a child-like spirit about most things in life. He had the soul and eyes of a child, a heart of gold, the arms of a body builder, and the hair of a "Can't Believe It's Not Butter" celebrity. He swept me off my feet without even trying. He was naively thoughtful and brilliantly bashful. He could sing and dance. But he got my vote when he told me that he moved home to take care of his sick father and help with the farm.

He was too good to be true. In every aspect of his being. There was only one part of his life that he couldn't control. And during those times, he wouldn't call or come over for weeks at a time, which made it hard to be stable.

But Ohio hadn't revealed that yet. We did nothing special and yet it was the most special. We went to the Football Hall of Fame and the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame during the day and lavished in romantic candlelit dinners at night. We talked to the locals and retired to each other's company after midnight.

I'm happy to say Ohio wasn't the end of our time together. And it didn't stop being special and magical. But it did end.

He would've thrived in Hawaii.

It's funny though. I go to Hawaii once every year, at least. And there was a time when I swore I'd never go there. I refused to even mention it. I took the first step by actually going there, but now I just have to try to go a step further and be in love while I'm there.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Baby Can I Hold You Tonight" by Ale'a
I adore Hawaiian music, especially IZ's version of "Over the Rainbow." Their music almost makes you want to fall in love. It's soothing and holds your heart. I heard this song by Ale'a the 2nd time I'd been to Honolulu. I was waiting on hold for an activities operator to come on the line. This song was played over and over and over and over. Seriously, it was the only song they played. Needless to say, I got to know it very well and stayed in my head for years. Everytime I think of Hawaiian music, I think of this song.

Taking a Chance on a Chance

Don't you just love songs that you adore but don't know the meaning of? I read the lyrics of some songs a hundred times and try to decipher the true message or story.

I do that with relationships too. But more so with the words that are said. I use it as justification to either stay or cut and run. Most of the time, I cut and run.

I used to think it was easier that way. To just let go and find someone else. Why would I put up with the stupid things they do or say? Why would I put myself through that?

I was sitting listening to an argument the other day by a married couple. He did some really stupid things - like men do. And I thought to myself...why is she putting up with that? I'd be out of there is a second.

And that's when I was hit over the head with a hammer. Because they're married. They're committed to each other, to making it work. I put up with a lot of stupid things in my past relationships (ones that lasted more than 3 months). And why? Because I wanted it to work. Because I didn't really think they said or did those things to hurt me. And they were truly sorry.

I know that everyone makes mistakes, has faults, and does stupid stuff. I even do. And I would want someone to forgive me if I did them. I wouldn't want them to give up on me, on us.

So, why in the dating world am I so quick to judge? So quick to let go. Maybe because I'm scared of getting hurt again. Maybe because I see those faults and mistakes as signs of repeat bad behavior of ex's.

After a relationship ends, you always say you'll be smarter this time around. You'll never date anyone like that again. But you do. And you kick yourself for not seeing it sooner, again.

So, I'm caught in this crossroad of forgiving and forgetting (and possibly getting hurt and regretting my decision to take a chance on him) or getting out while the gettin's good (and still possibly regretting not giving him a second chance).

I'm hoping that maybe in the past I've cut and run for good reasons. That the signs I thought I saw were true and warnings of things to come. It's not that I don't believe in good guys; it's just hard to think they're innocent until proven guilty.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Take Me or Leave Me" from the musical "Rent"
If you want to be with someone and love them for who they are, then don't claim you don't like something about them or you wish they'd be more of [this] or [that]. You want certain things from a relationship, then FIND them. Don't try to create them in someone else. That's not fair to you or them. And in order to do that, be true to yourself and what you truly want.

What If?

Do you ever wonder what old flames say about you now? And what they might say to you isn't what they say to their friends. I've had quite a few boyfriends like this, but it was even that way while we were dating.

They'd be very different when they were with their friends than when they were just with me. At first, I thought it was endearing. I liked that I saw a side of them that they "couldn't" show anyone else. That was the lie I was telling myself.

The reason they were different was either because they were embarrassed to admit to their friends that they liked me or they thought that's what I wanted them to be like. So, in the first instance, I felt like there was something about me that they were ashamed of - I thought it was me that there was something wrong with. And in the second instance, I never got to know the real them - so I was falling in love with someone that didn't really exist. So, I either thought less of myself or fell in love with an illusion.

There are a couple of guys that I wish I could've gotten to know for who they really were because I think I could've liked them just the way they were. But they didn't give me that chance. And then it's like not having closure on a relationship because you always have that chance to say "what if."

That's almost harder than a break-up that you know that it would've never worked out. The bad relationships, the ones that ended badly, are the ones where you just couldn't do it anymore. You couldn't compromise any longer, beat yourself up anymore, be subject to the emotional and/or physical anguish of the relationship. You know that no matter what you do differently, it won't help. It won't make things better or more bearable. It's over. Period.

But the ones that you're not sure of. The ones that ended too soon because of more thing or the other. Those are hard. You have that margin of uncertainty. And sometimes if it does end upbruptly, you don't get closure either. So, you've just been side-swiped on both sides. So you sit and wonder what you would've done differently. Sit and ponder if they still think about you this way. And sometimes make yourself believe that they do.

Then you tell yourself that it's worth one more try. One more go-around. And you justify it by saying, "Well, at least I can get closure" or "At least I'll know it didn't work out." But you're going into the relationship thinking that it's okay if it doesn't work out.

And that's detrimental to any relationship. Good, bad, or ugly. Because you won't try as hard. You've already given yourself a reason to leave. You've spent more time thinking about yourself without them than with them. And you're already okay with it. Why would you put effort into anything that you didn't care about? Why would you fight for it?

And when do the chances end? Usually until you've had it with men in general or you find someone else. Generally you take a hiatis from dating, swearing off men and relationships. And why? Because you weren't sure. Because you talked yourself back into it after you'd already talked yourself out of it.

And yet there are times that you end it, thinking it's the right thing, and then end up feeling more for that person than you did when you were with them. That's a whole 'nother ball game. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

No. Stupidity, pride, stubbornness, and fear are the reason your heart now grows fonder. Because you couldn't admit to loving and longing for a person. Maybe because it'd never happened before or in a really long time. So, you run. You push them away. You create solitude and emptiness for comfort. "You don't know what you got until it's gone." Or until you're gone.

Just make sure the reason you want them back is legitimate and not just loneliness.

SONG OF THE DAY: "What If It's You" by Reba McEntire
This song is about a woman struggling with the thought that the one that she no longer has may have been the one that she's supposed to be with. And now what does she do with that since he's moved on.

Who's Our Female Casanova?

So, I was thinking about how men love women the other day. Why are we always so enamored when we hear stories of men loving women? Then I was thinking about famous men who were known for loving women. Casanova came to mind right away. Then other characters in various movies: Jack Dawson (Titanic), Tristan (Legends of the Fall), Christian (Moulan Rouge), etc.

Then I tried to think of famous women known for loving men. I came up with Heidi Fleiss, Aphrodite, Helen of Troy, and ...I don't know. So, I was drawing a blank and the ones I already named weren't good role models. The first one was known for sex, the second one also known for sex (and didn't she eat her young or something like that - like most Greeks), and the third started a war because she ran away from her husband to be with another man. Who's our Casanova? Hilary Clinton?

Most of the famous women that I can think of became famous for great acts of humanitarian things or feminist things. Which one of our gender is known for loving men? Really loving them? I'm even trying to think of women from movies. Most movies are about men screwing up and women having to take them back - and those are called Romantic Comedies. What women have been willing to die for their men?

I may need some help on this one. I was even trying to think about love songs about women loving men or a woman loving a man SO much that he needs to write about it. I came up with a few, but why aren't there more songs like that written by men? Women usually write about how much they love their man. But I'm talking about songs written by men saying how much their women loves them. Lionel Richie has some, and there are others from his era. But seriously, there should be more.

Maybe it's just so expected that it's not anything to write about. Women are naturally nurturing and loving - so nothing new. Not a new concept. But men on the other hand. When a man knows how to love, we can't stop writing about it. In songs, in poetry, in movies, in letters home to our mother and friends.

It's not like they say to their buddies over a nice cold beer, "Wow! My woman really knows how to love me. I just feel loved all of the time. She never needs to say it. It's just in what she does. I'm so lucky."

But women do. We can't help but tell our friends all about the latest thing our sweet, enabling husband/boyfriend did for us - to make the other ones jealous of course. Then we go home and tell our husband/boyfriend what our friend's husband/boyfriend did for them. Not just for informational purposes. It's a hint. We don't tell them because we think they'll really care. We tell them so that they may get the brillant stroke of genius to something like it. Not that we really think it'll happen, but sometimes, when years go by, it's time to start dropping hints.

I guess the reason I started thinking about his was because I'm reading the book "Love Is a Mix Tape" and keep thinking how sweet the book is. How sweet it is for a man to be so in love with a woman that he wrote a book to honor her. Not because she was famous or because she did amazing things - but because he loved her and she loved him.

The book to me isn't about depth or having some epiphany, but it's about how music brought two people together and their life was more beautiful with each other - and music - in it. They were true. Their story is true. And in that truth, I find beauty.

He may feel like he was lucky for having her in his life, but I think she was lucky to have someone love her that much.

SONG OF THE DAY: "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
I have to say that this is TRULY one of my favorite love songs. I remember when this song was dedicated to me by my disc jockey boyfriend. I was sick (lying in his bed) and he knew that I still had to listen to his radio show. It was a small college radio station, so I'm not sure anyone else heard the dedication that night, but I didn't care. He knew I was listening. He knew this was our song. And he knew that, at least for the moment, it would make me feel better. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that night.