Friday, October 15, 2010

It's Not About Me

"It's Not About Me" just happens to be one of my favorite perspective books by Max Lucado.

The question I'm struggling with right now is, "How do you pray for someone you're trying not to think about?"

It's not that I don't want to be there for someone I care about, but vulnerability has always gotten me in trouble. I'm trying to be strong for him and from him.

When someone tells you that they can't be in a relationship right now because they're going overseas and doesn't want to force his relationships anymore, but then turns around and says that he's started dating someone he's never even met (over you) and that he's not sure if it'll go anywhere but it's been good so far, more than likely, you're gonna want a 9000 degree of separation from this guy.

But what he's going through... That's always my excuse. But he needs support right now. But maybe he doesn't need my support now that he has her. And if that's true, then why would he continue emailing...especially when it's not a mass email and it's a sad email about how his father's health is failing and he can't stop crying.

The "Cruella Deville" in me (and trust me, girls, all of us have it in us) wanted to email back and say, "Sorry to hear about your dad, but maybe you should be telling your girlfriend." Kind of like the "here's a quarter, call somebody who cares" song lyric. But the truth is I do care. Even though I'm not "that" girl that I so wanted to be, and that he has now. I'm not her, but who do I want to be in this situation? A jerk? No.

I guess breaking my heart doesn't really constitute me not caring when his is. I told him that I would be his friend, and he needs one right now. My heart feels like it is breaking right along side of his. I'm sad that he's sad and so far away from his family. I've met his dad, and I not only could see the resemblance, but I could see the love. The love between a father and his son. The love of a woman toward her man. The love of a family. It was really quite beautiful. Even in the anticipation and anxiety of the circumstances of their son going off to yet another war zone, all you could feel was love. He has a wonderful father whom he admires and adores - and rightly so.

My heart is going out to a man that I've been trying to take my heart back from. I don't know what he wants from me, but he must assume I'm still here - otherwise why would he have emailed?

But I can't help thinking that I need to play it smart, for the sake of my sanity. I've been trying hard not to think of him every day - ever since he told me about "her." So how do you pray for someone you're trying not to think about?

You leave it up to your own prayer warriors. He's leaning on his friends and family right now for thoughts and prayers. So, I'm doing the same. I sent out a prayer request for my friend and his father. I can physically pray for him every hour of every day, even though it just reminds me of what I no longer have. It's hard to do emotionally.

But, then again, it's not really about me is it? And if I'm making it about me, I shouldn't. It's about someone in need. Someone that, even though I pretend doesn't cross my mind anymore, I actually, truly care a lot about.

So, what is it that stands in our way of continuing to care and help someone in need after they've "hurt" us? Pride is an ugly deter-ant, and we let it make our decisions for us.

Am I really willing to neglect another human being in need because of my own selfish pride? Shame on me if I am.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Pride is a Lonely Blanket (When We Speak)" by Red Wanting Blue
Pride keeps us from so many things. Pride is a shield that we continue to use as an invisible defense mechanism. Pride is usually a catalyst for hurtful behavior. It makes us cold and unapproachable. And for what? For selfishness? For not being one man's girl? Well, if I let my pride stand in the way of truly being there for someone I claim to care about, then I wouldn't want that girl either.
Whom are you neglecting because of pride? You...for starters.

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