It's A Duck!

I had a pretty fabulous weekend with a pretty fabulous friend. And among the many laughs and serious conversations, this phrase keeps running through my head, "It's a Duck!"

She told me, "If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's a duck. It ain't a swan."

Now, I thought I knew quite a lot about men, but after this weekend, I felt like I only cracked the book on "Boys 101." Here are some key points that I'm remembering off the top of my head (sorry, don't have notes in front of me):

* Men need their egos fed (they just do!) - whether we had to nag them to death or not, it'll make the relationship better. Tell them the lawn looks nice, that they did an excellent job on the deck, they're the best lover you've ever had, or just thank them for "bringing home the bacon."
* Men can have sex and it mean nothing - it's a physical need for them; it's their force of nature; they're the ones with testosterone.
* If you're not sleeping with your man, he'll eventually find someone else to fill that need, even if it doesn't mean anything to him but sex. So, maybe you should evaluate why you're not having sex with him - before he just doesn't care why anymore.
* If a man is saying he doesn't want something (like, say, a relationship), he doesn't want it; and you'll never change his mind.
* If a man says that he loves you and hasn't just had sex, is wanting sex, or in the middle of sex, he's probably telling the truth. Don't listen to what men are saying to you when they want sex or have just had sex - it's not coming from the heart or their brain.
* You cannot change a man. So you might as well forget about it.
* If he has a problem with you, that's his problem. Ain't your shit!
* If he's never been married, doesn't have any kids, and doesn't even have a dog, RUN! He's incapable of caring for anything but himself...because he's never had to. He's selfish.
* Testosterone makes them lose their hair...and makes them VERY horny. If you see a bald guy, you pretty much know what's on his mind...and it's obviously not hair.
* Set healthy boundaries with men. If you don't, they'll walk all over you and end up having no respect for you.
* The first six months are months of impressions. Evaluate the relationship after six months and see if you still like the person.
* If he hasn't asked you to marry him or haven't married him within 2 years, he probably doesn't want to - or has other issues that aren't your shit!
* Feed 'em, screw 'em, and tell them you appreciate everything they do - and you'll have a happy man.
* Men are pretty simple creatures. It's the women who make men complicated because we try to read into what they're saying...DON'T. Just listen to what they're saying and take it for what it's worth.
* Guys continually produce sperm throughout their life (it just lessens when they get older). Women have one set of eggs. That's it. If you're worried about getting older and not being able to have kids, get your eggs frozen by age 35. That'll give you another 10 years to have kids.

Now, this weekend wasn't just a man-bashing session. Although is was quite therapeutic. She's got quite a few years on me and speaks only from first-hand experience. I have no reason not to trust her. I know a lot of her advise is correct because I've experienced a lot of it for myself already; sad, but true.

We also talked a lot about the importance of girlfriends when you're in a relationship with a guy. You need someone to bounce ideas, comments, concerns off of. And no offense to family, but it's not the same. They will be on your side no matter what (unless you've royally screwed up, and then maybe they'll be frank with you - and you usually tell your girlfriends all the gritty details so they know the whole story). If you don't have any close girlfriends to talk to, then here's what you do. Ask yourself the question that you would ask your girlfriend (if you had one). If your friend came to you and asked you this question, what would your advice be? Then, take your own advice. LISTEN TO IT! If you're in a situation where you'd tell your girlfriend to RUN, then maybe you should get your running shoes on!

And don't mistake your guy friends for your girlfriends. Guy friends may be able to give you great insight on what your guy may be thinking, but they can't help you. If a guy has a problem with another guy, once they throw a few punches at each other, they're fine. I wouldn't recommend trying that in your relationship. There's a little thing called Domestic Abuse/Violence. Guys don't know they act stupid until they've acted stupid - and sometimes, they're so stupid, that guy and other guys don't think it's stupidity, no matter how stupid it may be. We're just not built the same way. Your girlfriends will be able to tell you when he's just being stupid (which is most of the time). And most of the time, it's not calculated stupidity, so you may want to go easy on him.

Be willing to forgive and forget. Now, maybe some things are harder than others. I understand that. And if you find that you just can't move on from those harder situations, then don't waste anymore of your time or his. Why stay in something that you'll just end up resenting or regretting? And if you have kids with this man, leave them out of it. Your problems aren't their shit!

SONG OF THE DAY: "Forgive Me" by Leona Lewis and Evanescence
The one by Leona Lewis isn't a typical "sappy" love song, but I like the message.She seems to care about the guy, genuinely, because she hopes he can forgive her, yet she also cares about herself and is willing to say when he's just not cutting it. She's putting herself first and that's what should happen. She can't change him. She can't make him love her. She has to "take the chance" on love, on being loved.

The Evanescence song is about saying something that probably wasn't meant to hurt, but was said and can't be taken back. And now that those words have been said, forgiveness is the only thing that can rectify the situation. This happens to everyone, no matter how hard we try to be mindful of it. The person in the song seems to be pleading for forgiveness; there's nothing else.