Winter Love

It's technically still winter - especially according to Mother Nature.

What is it about the cold that makes us want to be with someone? Maybe it's the touch of a sweater or how cute men look in winter beanies. A hug just feels better in the winter. They sit closer and hold you tighter. And who doesn't like nuzzling a cold nose into someone's cheek.

I guess I find winter more intimate than summer. Winter to me is about being together...and nothing more. Just being together.

Maybe I love winter because that's when I first fell in love. It was amazing. One of my favorite memories from that winter...we were at a friend's house. Our relationship was still pretty new. There were quite a few couples there, but I was only into him. He could melt my heart with one look. I just let him lead. I trusted him completely. He knew I was uncomfortable being around all of those people with him. So, he took a blanket and a string of lit Christmas lights - and we escaped the party and the rest of the world.

The scene in my mind is like something out of a movie. A sweet, endearing gesture that only made me fall harder. The colored Christmas lights reflecting in his eyes and the constant glow against the blanket was artistic and inspiring.

What a wonderful man he would've been.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Wintersong" by Sarah McLachlan
This song sums up how I feel during the winter remembering how we were together.

Once

As much as I like to read books about love, I also think movies are like short stories and learn by that media.

I've seen this certain movie on the Blockbuster shelf for awhile now and keep telling myself I should rent that. I usually put it in my hand, carry it around the store, and then end up putting it back. I never really knew what it was about either.

I remember my friend making me listen to a song in her car while we were heading to lunch one day. She said that she heard it on an award show and really liked it. It was "Falling Slowly" by The Frames. I had never heard of that group, so I listened and instantly fell in love. (Yes, mom. When that song comes on the radio, I say 'I love this song.')

So, naturally, I wanted to hear more songs by this group and others like them. I tend to gravitate toward the suicide ballads. They just seem to have more soul and emotion to them than regular love songs. It's almost like you can hear the pain in their music and voice.

Well, I finally watched the movie, "Once," tonight and again fell in love. It not only contains "Falling Slowly," but others like it. Not to mention it's a simple, sweet story about a guy and a girl. I wouldn't necessarily say it's "love," but you can make up your own mind. Fabulous. Nothing too complex and yet the ending has depth and anticipated resolution.

I've always been attracted to musicians for some reason. Singers, drummers, and of course, piano men. There is just something beautiful about a man playing a piano. The instrument itself is beautiful, and then if you add a handsome, talented man to the mix: near perfection. I find them inspiring and majestic. How someone expresses themselves is an insight into their soul.

I recommend the movie as well as dating a musician. I just don't recommend breaking up with a musician or artist because, inevitably, they'll use you as their muse (good, bad, or ugly).

SONG OF THE DAY: "Falling Slowly" by The Frames
You knew that one was coming. I love all of the lines in this song. Songs are like poetry to me. I try to figure out the true intent of the author and what each line means. I may interpret them incorrectly, but I'm still moved by my interpretation. I don't really have to "think" about a song; I just have to pay attention to my mood and emotion after listening to it. "You have a choice. You've made it now." I choose love (when it comes around).

Online Ambience

I'm quite versed when it comes to online dating. I've tried almost all of the websites, or so I thought. I came across a new one tonight.

It's called Brainiac Dating. Free Membership! Well, so they say. I didn't sign up. There slogan is "Where It's Sexy to be Smart." I got a kick out of it.

My favorite part of the website was playing the quizzes. I did well at the flower, movie, and art quiz. I would have to say an honorable mention should go to the tree quiz though.

I don't know the ins and outs of this site (like the others), but I may check it out at some point. It seemed interesting. "Find smart singles."

I worry if they have a "dumb" people dating site. (So, I just Googled it and I won't repeat what it came up with. I'm quite confused actually. I wouldn't use the word "dumb" to classify that dating site. Is that PC?)

Anyway, it seems they have a dating website for all kinds of people - even a couple if you aren't interested in dating monogamously but are into extra-curricular activities - if you get my drift. Never been a member of those sites either, but heard some interesting stories. It's just not my cup of tea.

I'm actually not a big fan of online dating. I don't understand the assumed responsibility that you must email at least three times before you can even ask to meet. That's what it's leading up to, so why not just ask that right away? That's why you "winked" or "poked" or whatever else they're called; because you were interested. Why is the "meeting" such a big elephant in the cyberspace room?

When you meet someone at a grocery store or bar, don't you ask them out right away? I've never been asked for my email address so that we can get to know each other better first. It's usually, "Would like to go out sometime?" I think if a guy asked if he could email me, I'd probably think he was insecure.

Here's one of my favorite "asking out" stories:
I was working at a shoe store one stormy, blizzardy night at a mall near Christmas. It's a little later in the evening and because of the weather no one is in the mall. I had a HUGE test the next day and just wished that I could go home. I was standing at the front of the store (the mall entrance to the store) when over the intercom system they announced that the mall was closing due to the weather. I was SO incredibly excited that, naturally, I did a "happy" dance. A rather elaborate one. When I got through with my celebration, I realized that I also had an audience.

He was a cute guy, resembled Charlie Sheen a little bit. Of course, I was embarrassed. But I just shrugged and walked into the aisles of the store to die of humiliation and straighten up the store for closing.

Then I notice he's walking down the aisle towards me. I thought, great, just great, he's going to say something about my victory dance. But, to my surprise, he asked if I could help him find some shoes. WHAT?! Dude, the mall is closing. You're cute and all, but I want to go home! I don't want to sell anymore shoes to anyone!!!

But, I did. I helped him find a pair of dress shoes and socks. And he left the store! What?! He really wanted shoes? So, I start my closing duties over again. Then he walks back into the store. I thought, great, now what? Shoe polish? A shoe horn? What!

But he asked if he could take me to dinner sometime. I hesitated - only because I was currently unavailable. I went back and forth in my mind. The relationship I was in was near the end anyway (you know the feeling) and what did I have to lose? He was cute and he wears dress shoes. We already had two things in common: eating and wearing dress shoes. So, I said yes.

When we reminisced on the story, he said that he was walking through the mall on the phone with a friend admiring the woman in front of him. His friend said that he should grow a pair and ask her out then. He didn't ask her out, but when he walked past my store, he stopped, started to walk on by, then remembered what his friend said. He turned around and walked into the store, lost a little nerve, and bought a pair of shoes instead (that happens to me all the time!). He kicked himself for not asking me out and so walked back in, and that's when I said yes to dinner and the next two years of my life.

I love stories like that. The meet-cute. The story of how you "got together." I think I need the story to start a relationship. And that's one reason I don't like online dating. You don't get that cute, funny, awkward story of the first time you met or the first time he asked you out.

You can email someone for days, weeks, months and really think you like them, but it only takes a second of spending time with them in public - and you know whether or not you can stand another second. So, I say why waste my time emailing or calling when I can figure it all out with one meeting. Makes sense to me.

But, I get it. Where else do you meet people and know they're single?! You hate the bar scene, you're too busy, all of your friends' friends are married or dating, etc. So, you sign up online. I don't know. I just feel like a casting director when I go on them.

Me, I'm going to wait for the story.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble
This is a cute, upbeat song about knowing that there's someone out there that you're going to meet and it's going to be great - but you just haven't met them yet. It's peppy and uplifting, like a hopeful show choir song you'd sing in high school. Maybe a song you could clean the house to and dance with a mop or broom. (You know you've done that.)

Do We Know When It's Over?

I'm sure everyone reading this has at one time or another been through a break-up. Are you the strong one or the weak one? Do you show your emotions; what you're really feeling? Or do you hide and break down after they've gone?

It isn't usually until I am alone that I finally FEEL alone and break down. My break-up with #1 (inside joke) was hard to come to terms with because I felt like we had been through a lot together and I guess I really believed (at one point) that we'd be together forever. I stayed with a friend (I don't know how I would've done it without her) for a couple of weeks while he moved out of our townhome. I thought it would be easier if I didn't have the memory of him packing and driving away.

I was wrong. As I drove back to my townhome after knowing he'd be gone, I really didn't know what to expect. Was it really over? What would my life be like without him? I said to myself that I'd be okay. I was better off without him. I could find someone to love me more than he did.

And it wasn't until I walked through the front door and closed it to a completely silenced, darkened home that I began to second-guess myself. I didn't even recognize living there. There was no glow of the fish tank. No sound of the flight simulator. It looked like I'd been robbed. The closet was half empty (not half full). The TV was gone. And there was no plates or bowls to eat from.

I broke down right then and there. Weeped like a child. I was really alone and without love.

But I know that if I had been there when he packed the rest of his things, I would've stayed strong, shown no weakness. Acted like it didn't bother me in the least.

Why do I let my pride over-power me? Why do I have such a terrible time acting vulnerable? I don't know. Maybe because either way gets me to the same place: alone.

I have more questions than answers tonight. That's about all I know.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Is It Over Yet?" by Wynonna Judd
I've probably listened to this song after every one of my break-ups. I ask myself that question over and over until the answer is yes. There aren't many break-ups that I'd go back on. There was one, but I eventually realized that it was the "what" that I was missing, not the "who." It was a lie that I was telling myself. I made myself believe that the relationship was great and he was too, when neither of those were true. He wasn't great, which - in turn - also made the relationship not-so-great. I look back at it now and think "what a jerk." But then I'm not really surprised by that comment because it's not the first time I've ever said that about an ex. So, "is it over yet?" Why yes; yes it is.

An Oxymoron - and yes, I am talking about a guy.

Finally! A man who tells the truth! In the book "Marriable," Michael DiMarco is plain as day when he admits for all mankind that they lie for two reasons: (1) to be admired and (2) to be sexed. It applies to the bad boys and good guys; all men, all over the world.

It's ironic that women lie to themselves and men lie to women. And both lies usually involve making the man look better.

Hmmm, I've been lied to so much in my past couple relationships...I should feel special because he wants me to admire him or have sex with him. Yeah, no. In one particular instance, he lied because I was so considerate. So my consideration led to his dishonesty. I sure know how to pick 'em.

Anyway, he talks about the chase, the moving target. We need to stay one step ahead of the men.

Ephiphany: That's why the men that I don't like continue to pursue me and the men I do like forget to call. So, if I want a guy to leave me alone, all I have to do is pretend I'm interested in him - lovingly and passionately. And for the men I want to keep around, I have to pretend I want nothing to do with them. Wow is that backwards!

The Alpha Male syndrome is crazy. Guys make up such BS stories about everything when they're together. If girls did that, there'd be some heavy ice cream and chocolate fests, not to mention the binge shopping. We take what each of us says so literally and remember it word-for-word...forever. Guys forget the easy way to remember an anniversary or birthday - tell their mom or sister to remind them.

And the only thing worse than the Alpha Male syndrome is the Alpha Male syndrome while around their girlfriend/wife. Ladies. The things we put up with to be with men: ridiculous. They act SO tough around their friends, whether we're around or not. They figure they can make it up to us later - privately. They think they're so smart.

Michael also says that once you have sex with a man it's over. It's like he's bought a best-seller and read the last chapter first. He's no longer interested in figuring out if you're compatible and it'll last; he's more interested in either finding a new moving target or just interested in the sex.

I hate to say it, but I agree with him 100%. Women use sex as a way to get romance; men use romance as a way to get sex.

I'll leave you with a paragraph from the book:

"Girls, does it creep you out a bit that this guy who's been buying you flowers, sending sweet IMs, and rubbing your feet is just in it for the big payoff? It shouldn't, because after all, he's just a man. Just remember that you can play him the way he was meant to be played by not rewarding the big fat horny liar until you get a ring, a cake, and a binding legal document!"

Thank you, Michael, for telling it like it is. He's honest because he's already admired and sexed - I'm assuming.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Baby Don't Get Hooked On Me" by Mac Davis
A very fitting song. Said just like a real gentleman, "Cause I'll just use you, then set you free." Another man that tells the truth! Two cases in one night is too much for me to handle. I better go to bed now. But don't say that this is not a "love" song because it's one of the songs in my Romancing the 70s CD collection. (Great collection, by the way!)

When the Condition is to Hold On

Oh. There's so much in my head and on my heart right now. It's hard to focus between an old love and a new one. Let me try to focus on one for now...

I've always wondered about love being unconditional. As humans, we can say that we love unconditionally, and we may even strive to love that way, but we just can't.

Almost everything we do has a condition upon it. Why do we go to work? Because we love it or because it pays the bills, gets our kids through college, provides for our retirement? When you give someone a gift, do you expect something in return - even further down the road? If you get someone something for their birthday and then yours rolls around, do you expect to get one from them? Why? Because it's owed to you; you deserve it?

How many times have you said to yourself or heard someone else say: "Look at all I've done for them, and what do I get in return? Nothing." Or "I deserve better than what they're giving me."

We give to receive. And when we receive, we try to remember to give back. There are tons of thousands of examples for this in our society. But there is one love that is unconditional and requires no balance or earning on our part. That's God's love and grace. And no matter how much we try and strive for perfection in love, we'll never get there.

We make mistakes, we do wrong, all of us. We learn the meaning of true love when we have to forgive someone that has hurt us. Sometimes we're able to forgive freely, and other times, we feel that what we've been given just isn't worth the pain anymore. Now remember, there is a difference between doing something wrong and intentional hurt. If someone intentionally hurts you, it may be possible to forgive them, but that doesn't warrant you to stay with them and continue the cycle.

But if they didn't mean to hurt you and are truly sorry, then reconcile it together. You may just grow in love. Learn to hold each other through all of the good and bad. Sometimes, they're all you have.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Hold You Up" by Matthew West
For those of you who don't know, for the past couple years, Matthew West has teamed up with KLOVE radio and writes a song inspired by a couple's true love story. This song was the 2010 winner. I like this song because it's about someone that is there for their partner through everything they can be, and then, for the things that they just can't help with, God is there. Sometimes we put superhuman power upon our significant others; putting a false and failed expectation on them.
This song reminds me of the "Footprints" poem or story. You know the one; the picture of two sets of footprints leading up to only set of footprints. The story is about someone knowing that God walks with them through life (resembled by the two sets), but questions God why there is only set of footprints during the really rough times; why would He leave? And God answers, it was then that I held you.

As an old boyfriend once said to me, "Sometimes you just need to be held." It's as true today as it was then. Everyone needs a little love; hold on to that when there is nothing else.

A Weight Against You

Have you ever loved someone you just can't forget? You break up with someone because you, obviously, don't want to be with them anymore, but for some reason, you just can't stop thinking about them.

They may be all the way across the country or within the same zip code, but when you think of them, it feels like they're sitting next to you.

What does that mean? That you're supposed to be with them? That you're supposed to remember what went wrong? That you're just having regrets? I don't know the answer, although I wish I had the solution.

Sometimes I wish that the "procedure" in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was real. It's almost like an erasal of all memories, meetings, conversations, intimacies, etc. of every having had with this person. My life would be a lot less complex if that was available to the general public. A reversal hypnosis.

So, does that mean this memory of this person is a weakness or a hinderance to my life? Almost like a handicap sometimes. I know that I'd appreciate a love handicap sticker or something to hang in my car. I'd probably feel better if one day that I had that handicap, I was able to park closer to the mall.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles
I love this song because somedays I feel like this; that their memory is my "gravity" - the source that's keeping me down. Sometimes it feels like a weight that we just can't get rid of. I doesn't necessarily make me sad, just makes me sigh and shake my head that I still think about them. But this particular person I don't long for, just can't forget.

The One or Just Anyone

I've always wondered if there is really just one person that we're supposed to be with. Just one. And sometimes we tell ourselves there's no one out there for us.

It seems like we tell ourselves these two things depending on where we are in our lives and with our relationships. If you're in the early stages of a romance, you may be saying to yourself that "this is the one." But a couple of years down the road, it isn't working out anymore and you don't know what you want to do...stay in it and see OR start the process all over again.

You decide to start over. Brave decision. It's cowardly to stay in something just because it's safe. You date a few different guys, none of them are working out - and that's when you either say to yourself, "I should've stayed with [what's his name]," OR "I'll never find what I'm looking for; he just doesn't exist."

My true, deep down in my heart, feeling is that there is only one. Just one. Now, I've heard the arguments and played devil's advocate for my own thoughts on this. Maybe it's just a childhood fantasy; I don't know.

Some animals believe this way also:

Black vultures discourage infidelity. All nearby vultures attack any vulture caught philandering.

The tiny male anglerfish detects and follows the scent trail of a female of his own species. Once found, he bites his chosen one and hangs on. His skin fuses to hers, their bodies grow together. (They take the "two become one" philosophy literally.)

It's also said that many birds (swans, doves, eagles, and penguins to name a few) hold out for their one true love. Maybe that's where the phrase "love birds" comes from. Maybe not, I don't know anything about birds. It's a cute thought though.

I may just not like the thought of being able to be with anyone. I'm a loyal person and I also believe in things happening to you for a specific reason at a particular moment in time. That there is a bigger purpose than merely walking in and out of daily life for our own amusement. And that feeling comes from the same place that my love comes from.

On the flip side, I'd hate to go through life thinking that I'm supposed to be with someone else (than the person I'm with) because he doesn't feel like "the one." I don't want to settle, but how do you really know when you've found that one? People always say, "You just know."

Maybe it just takes time to know and find the right one. It doesn't necessarily mean that we're not supposed to meet other people and be with them for some other reason until we do meet them, until we're ready.

Here's to my (potential) one and only.

SONG OF THE DAY: "If You're Not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield
Honorable mentions go to: "The One" by Gary Allan and "What If It's You" by Reba McEntire. There are SO many songs claiming that there is only "one." I listened to the Daniel Bedingfield song over and over and over and over in college. I was waiting for the CD to just stop working; I listened to it so much. I guess I liked it because I asked myself those same questions in a lot of my relationships or at the end of them.

Lie, Steal, and...

That's right. I'm going to talk about cheating. And trust me when I say that I've been there, done that.

In "Marriable," one of the lies women tell themselves, is that it is the other girl's fault. It's so easy to blame someone we don't have a connection with over someone who has betrayed us.

I haven't really counted, but almost all of my boyfriends have cheated on me. It happened so frequently that I knew when it was going to happen before it actually did. I pleaded with a guy once not to go out with a group of friends because this certain woman (girl at the time - see, I still blame her) was going to be there and I knew something was going to happen. He assured me nothing would happen, but alas, it did. He told me the next day and as devastated as I was, I hoped I'd never have that feeling again. But I did.

I also told myself "once a cheater, always a cheater." But I know that's not true because, since I should be honest, I've cheated too. Quite a few years ago, when I was young and naive, I thought the grass was greener on the other side. It may have been greener, but it's still landscape and needs to be tended. I am not proud by any means, but I was insecure back then. One time I was just looking for a way out and too scared to get out.

Trust me when I say that no matter what side of the cheating you're on, you'll still be hurt. Some sides will get hurt more than others, but admitting you have cheated or having to hear the one you love say they've cheated still breeds hurt. Both will need comfort and compassion shown to them.

It's the ones who continuously cheat that bother me. The ones who want their cake and the ability to eat it too. The ones who cheat and blame their significant other or spouse for their infidelity. Why is it so hard to tell the truth? It's not that you really care that much about them because if that was the case, you wouldn't be doing something to hurt them in first place.

If this is you and you're reading this, take a good long look in the mirror. Ask yourself why. Why are you cheating? Why are you not being faithful? Is it regret, loneliness, freedom? What? There's a reason.

And if you're with someone who is cheating, you need to ask yourself why as well. Are you too insecure to leave? Do you feel there is too much at stake? Kids? Religion? What?

From the smallest of lies to the largest deception, they all bring a sense of mistrust. I'm a brutually honest person. I don't sugar-coat a lot of things. Some call it...things I can't repeat, but I made a mistake one time by saying something in anger and not getting a chance to take it back. So, I try very hard not to lie, especially in anger. I fail at this sometimes; it's hard. We're all human and we all make mistakes. Forgiveness is a cure for the guilty - when they choose to ask for it. And remember that you can forgive someone, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with them either. And for those of you who are dealing with someone cheating on you, don't blame yourself and don't just blame the other woman/man. It takes two to cheat - your significant other or spouse had a choice. And you are not what they chose at that moment. The question you need to ask yourself is if that's something you're willing to work through.

I'm sure that people have a lot of different reasons and justifications for cheating, but it's more about loss and gain with me. You have a choice in any situation when cheating can be involved. It's your choice. If you're prone to cheat, maybe don't put yourself in those potential situations. Figure out your loss and gain if you do. Take a minute and think about it.

I wonder if most decisions to cheat are impulsive or calculated. It seems like everyone blames the booze too. If you really need an excuse of why you cheated, just say it like it is...you're selfish, stupid, insecure, scared, want out, need affection, whatever it is. Try being honest about what you're feeling before you feel the need to cheat. It may save you or someone else more heartache later.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Stay" by Sugarland
I know that I haven't always picked "being in love" songs, but love isn't just about feeling awesome all of the time. Anything and everything in this world is more cherished when it's something that we had to work for or have lived without. If you've ever listened to that song, it starts out with the woman wanting the man to "stay" with her instead of going home to his wife or girlfriend - but by the end of the song, she tells him to "stay" with the other woman; that she's done.
Another good song would be the one by Reba McEntire and Linda Davis "Does He Love You?" It's about a wife and a girlfriend sharing the same man and asking if he loves [me] like he loves [you] and vice versa. The wife gets his nights and the girlfriend gets his days - and of course, they want what the other one has. But if you've ever watched the music video, you'll see the more extreme outcome of what happens to a cheater.

The Game: To Play or Not to Play. That is the Question.

The game is something I know a little about. I probably would've been voted MVP between the months of September and December of 2009. I made dating a sport, literally. It even had a baseball theme with me "playing the field." I can't help but smirk just thinking about it.

I chose to begin with a book titled "Marriable" by Hayley DiMarco and Michael DiMarco. They are a married couple who wrote this book together after meeting online. Now, I'm not a huge fan of online dating for serious intentional purposes, but they start out with some good points.

It's refreshing that they don't try to dispell the notion of dating and it being a game. They actually take that as a leaping-off point for a discussion about how, if dating is a game, the prize is marriage. Now, dating isn't always a segway for EVERYONE to marriage - right away. That's fine. I believe some people, mostly men, need to sow their wild oats, figure out what they want, what they don't want, and tread water until they find it.

However, the lesson here is that if you're going to play the game, make sure you're playing the same game - or you'll get hurt. I've made that mistake many times. And just because the other person is older doesn't mean they're ready to settle down. Don't lie to yourself that they are either.

I think we should have umpires in dating. One call that they would make more than any other is the "Lies" call. And I would hope they would yell it out like Fraulein whatever her name was from the Austin Powers movies.

Women - more than men - lie in relationships. Mostly to themselves though, which is another point from the book. I truly believe this to be gospel.

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein, genius

We lie to ourselves about what we want, what we're willing to put up with, and why we haven't left yet. Some of us may give men ultimatums while we also give ourselves "to do by" dates. "If he doesn't give me this by this date, I'm gone." OR "If he does that one more time, I'm done." Why do we do those things? Why do we say those things? And I'm not talking about things like leaving chewing gum on the caps of Coke bottles laying around the house or not wiping off the bathroom counter after brushing his teeth. I'm talking about things that really hurt if we don't see them being followed through.

Other lies women tell themselves from the book are: "Things are getting better," "It's really my fault he gets mad," or "I can't bear to be alone, so I have to put up with him." I've said these things before, plenty of times. Why? Why? Why?

What is it our friends know that we don't? They look out for our happiness, our well-being, and commentate on the situation as it's played out. We don't usually see it until the re-play or the tape needs reviewing.

So, I guess our friends (and family sometimes) are our umpires. Now they may not yell "Lies!" at us. But take what they say to heart, because chances are, they're just looking out for yours. And if you're not going to do it, then they become your legally appointed guardian.

One of my favorite books says [love] "rejoices in the truth." It says a lot of other great things about love as well, and I'm sure that chapter will be quoted again sometime in this blog, but (from the same book) it also says "the truth will set you free."

If it feels wrong, if you're lying to yourself or others, or if you're ashamed of it, it's probably time to find freedom in the truth. And I know it's hard sometimes to imagine yourself without someone else, especially if you've invested time and tears, but if you don't think you're worth it, they probably don't think you are either. Remember those friends I talked about earlier, they'll help you through it. Because, chances are, they do love you like you deserve. And they shouldn't be your friend if they don't.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Freedom" by Wham!
Now, I know this isn't a conventional love song, but it fits the theme about love and what we tell ourselves to stay in it. It's a great song, and I'm sure it'll make you smile if you watch the video. His friends tried to tell him he was being made a fool of; listen to yours.

First Dates

I've always wondered if there are unspoken rules in dating, and if there are, are they different for men than they are for women?

Is it being too forward to touch, hug, kiss, whatever else your imagination thinks of on a first date? Maybe it just depends on the couple.

I used to have very specific rules when I was dating. And I'd be very upfront about them. I even had a dating rule book; that may have been part of my problem. Trying to control and manipulate each situation - thinking if I did, it would be perfect.

I only believed in love at first sight in high school, before my heart was jaded. When you're young, you believe anything is possible; that you have the time and attention to do...anything. And I guess I'm skeptical now. I wonder if it's still possible to feel the kind of love I did in high school.

First dates when you're older I think are more difficult. You're more experienced, but you're also very aware that it may not work out. You spend more time analyzing and weighing the pros and cons than getting to know that person intimately, which is what you really want. It is more like an interview than just dinner and conversation. You have more to tell and more to hide.

As a teenager, first dates are very different than first dates as an adult. As an adult, there are conflicts and schedules to work around. The worry of "I can't stay out too late cause I have to go to work in the morning," which unfortunately is usually the excuse.

I'll reminisce on one of my first dates as a teenager. I worked SO hard to get this guy to go out with me. I was a freshman, he was a sophomore. I was so nervous to even talk to him. Now, even though my mom always told me to let them pursue me, I just couldn't. My heart was telling me to move, and my head was just trying to catch up. There was an FHA dance coming up, and I couldn't ask him out - or let one of my friends ask him for me! So, I did the next best thing: a secret admirer gift.

My best friend and I skipped school one day (a frequent ritual) and drove to the nearest big city to shop for the perfect gift. I picked out a maroon, long-sleeved thermal shirt. I wrapped it up with a card that said, "I want to meet you. If you want to meet me, wear this shirt to the dance on Friday." My best friend and I took it over to his house (we had this all planned out). We rang the door bell and when he answered, my friend said that this package was on the step when we got here. We're so clever.

He opened the gift in front of us, which wasn't part of the plan. I remember thinking he didn't look too impressed. Maybe he had a girlfriend I didn't know about. He was dreamy! He invited us in because we said that we were there to see his brother (which wasn't a complete lie). I stressed about whether or not he'd wear the shirt - and totally forgot that even if he wore the shirt, he may not be excited about the person who got it for him. One worry at a time I guess.

The night rolled around and I walked into the gym, and there he was...standing on a ladder putting up last minute decorations - wearing the shirt. I stopped breathing. I hadn't planned this far ahead. I had no idea how I'd tell him or when. The time just didn't feel right.

The dance went on. I was dancing with other boys, he with other girls. Then the last slow song was announced. It was like a movie. I was on one side of the gym, him on the other - and we were looking right at each other. We walked toward one another like no one else was around. I was so focused on him that I didn't notice another girl come in and cut me off. I felt foolish and turned away. Then someone grabbed my hand. I didn't have to say a word. It would've spoiled the mood. He knew it was me the whole time, and no one had to tell him. He just knew.

I still remember the song that was playing, "Angels Among Us" by Alabama. At that moment, I didn't realize how significant that song and this man would be in my life. And unfortunately, our time together was short-lived, but the love I feel will never leave.

Best first date ever.

That's hard to surpass. I've had a few close seconds, but never imprinted on my heart like that one. I wonder though...if I had a date like that now, at thirty, would I cherish it like I did then? If I didn't, I wouldn't be worthy of it anyway.

SONG OF THE DAY: "To Be With You" by David Archuleta
This song may have a little different meaning for me than others listening. But when I hear it, I look up at the stars, trying to see past them into Heaven. Some days I am waiting for the stars to fall and two worlds to collide...to be with him.

Valentine's Day

As much as I appreciate what Valentine's Day does for couples, I don't agree with the feeling of obligation. I don't want to feel obligated to get someone something, and I really don't want to feel bad if I don't have anyone to spend that obligation with.

I'm a single, thirty year-old that would LOVE to be in love, but I'm not willing to settle. Most people have their own thoughts about what love is, and it probably means different things to different people.

I thought I was in love with my boyfriend of two years (a little over a year ago) until last year on Valentine's Day he moved out without warning. That made me rethink relationships and love. I dabbled in counter-relationships (rebound, in other words) and though many were satisfying, it was only for a moment in time. I still longed to be in love.

And yet, I still don't know what that means. What does it mean to be in love? Is that different than loving someone or not? Why does love always seem to fade or fail? What can be done to maintain it? Is that even possible?

I dated just to date after that break-up, many at the same time. I referred to three of them as Dot, Tot, and Spot so that my friends weren't getting confused on which one I was talking about. I wasn't really expecting to find anyone of real interest to me. But when you want a semblence of love and a relationship, you somehow trick yourself to believe that he is exactly what you've been waiting for because you have a few things in common. Well, he turned out to be like every other selfish, insecure loser I've ever dated.

Have you ever craved a food or drink but don't know why? Maybe it was something you only had once, but it was so good that every once in awhile you just want it back. You want to relive that taste, and now refer to it as your favorite.

I've only had one favorite in my entire thirty years, and trust me, there've been plenty to choose from.

I'm not really into gushing or being a hopeless romantic, but he made me smile and blush just by looking my way. I never had to question whether or not he wanted to be with me. He hugged my mother and washed my grandmother's plastic plates at Christmas.

I guess I find it hard not to compare my favorite to others, yet that's what I want.
I don't think I still want him, just what we had, how I felt when we were together. Most people just don't know what they want, but I know EXACTLY what I want. Maybe my expectations are just too high, but is that really possible when you're looking to spend the rest of your life with someone?

It's not because I haven't dated other guys. Trust me, I have. I even tried dating a different guy each week for sport. It only lasted about 14 weeks and just hated every minute of the process. It was a good plan; it should've worked, but I hated myself, my dates, the conversations, the setup to the next...it was like a part-time job. And at the end of the night, I still wanted something else. I still wanted to be in love, real love.

So, why this? Why now? Knowledge is power, right? Well, maybe it's not working for me because I have false expectations of love. Maybe I don't know love when I'm in it. I must attempt to know it in order to find it.

Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to celebrate Valentine's Day for all it's glorified hype next year - because this year, it was merely Single's Awareness Day.


SONG OF THE DAY - "This Year's Love" by David Gray
If I had a love this year, I'd hope it'd last (just like the lyrics suggest) because it is high time. I first heard this song after an aerobic workout when we were cooling down and stretching. I began to cry. I don't know why I'm so vulnerable after workouts, but that particular night, my body was just too tired to be strong enough to hold back the tears. It's really amazing how a simple 3-minute song can bring us to our knees. I guess that's how you know it's a good song.