Spring Cleaning before Christmas

I usually feel pretty cluttered around Christmas time. Yet, this year, I'm down-sizing. I'd like to say 'my closet.' But that just isn't a possibility, although has been on my "to do" list for a couple of years. However, my down-sizing project for the end of this year is on boyfriends.

I'm finally taking my sista's advice. As they say, "Out with old, in with the new." In order to start my Spring Cleaning project, I decided that I needed to "block" those certain ex's from my social media accounts. It turned out to be a LONG list and quite difficult. I kept a few of them on the list, only because I never wonder "what if" with them.

If I don't put those "potential re-ex's" behind me for good, I'll never fully be able to move on and be serious with someone new. It's like having too many pots on the stove and not enough "back burners" to go around. In a way, I was allowing them to keep me in relationship bondage, and not the kinky kind. One of them has been an "on-again, off-again ex" for the past 12 years. That one I had to hold my breath in order to delete, but I did it.

The only problem with deleting people from your social media that you're fairly close to is that they probably also have your phone number and will text you wondering why you've deleted them. Oh well. I'd delete their number from my phone, except if they do text, I may not know which one of them it is. I guess all I'd have to say/text is "Leave me alone." Right? Or is that just mean?

I never used to have a problem with telling guys I'm not interested anymore. I think I must've gotten a little bit soft since my high school and college days. I guess I know, now, what it's like to be told that someone isn't interested in you, so I'll let them down easier...fine! Ugh!

Most importantly, I decided that I just need to let go and move on - leave them in the past. There are a lot of obstacles to deal with that new relationships just don't have yet...or maybe never will. Old relationships already have scars and, at least, one strike against you. Some of my ex's must've been cats because they just kept coming back time-after-time, proving that they haven't changed even though they say they have. Not that I was asking them to change, but that's their claim to winning me back.

I guess I'm making a New Year's Resolution early and Spring Cleaning before the snow melts. Maybe it's more because I'm finally ready to settle down and find "the one" - or at least, this one or that one. But I can't truly go after the other fish in the sea if I'm still throwing my line into the fish tank in my living room.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Forever and Almost Always" by Kate Voegele
This song really personifies what I've been going through with all of these old relationships. Going back into it, I say that "although it's not the same, it's awful close." I usually end up saying, "it's awful." The beginning of this song is a woman settling, "just love me when you can." Then she asks herself, after the same thing happens and he proves not to have changed, "what am I still doing here?" She then realizes that "it's not right." She wants more; she finally believes that she deserves more. I feel the same way she does now, at this very moment.

A Guarantee is Nothing More than a Statement Saying the Product is, in Fact, Defective - and They'll Take Care of It Later

How many "one's" can there be? I think back to the men I've dated, which happens to be a lot (some I'm not so proud of). But I think back to some of the ones that were good and if I could see myself married to them.

I can pretty much picture exactly what my life would be like with most of them. And a couple of them wouldn't have been so bad. So then the question begs, how long do I wait to find something better than "so bad"? I look at the marriages around me today and they're not so bad either. And the ones that were "so bad" and ended, I couldn't have predicted that it would become that way and end. Can you really know someone well enough to fool-proof a marriage?

Maybe I just have a fairy-tale image of marriage in my mind. Maybe what I imagine marriage to be just doesn't exist anymore. There are no guarantees in marriage. Nothing saying that if you meet someone great that they won't change in five years time to be someone you never would've gotten involved with in the first place. But then what? Say you have 2 children with them and they just don't want that life anymore. There's nothing you can do to change their mind. They changed on their own and they'll leave the same way.

Could I have made it work (in a marriage) with some of my ex-boyfriends? Absolutely. Would I have been happy, living a fulfilled life? Maybe, but I probably would've wondered what life would've been like if I had waited for "the one."

I guess I'm questioning this now because I'm in negotiations with 2 former boyfriends, and wondering what it's worth. I know them both very well. One I have more confidence in than the other. They both have their strengths and weaknesses when it comes to relationships. I've also just met 2 other new guys. (This is how my life goes. Either it's a dry spell or a flood. No in between.) It doesn't feel right to string any of them along, but I don't want to make any hasty decisions either.

So, I ask myself what I need. I already know what I want, but that's not necessarily what I'll get. Again, I ask myself what I need in a relationship. I could spend my entire life looking for someone to fulfill my every want and desire, but I'm either going to end up alone or putting pressure on someone to be that way forever. Am I setting myself up for failure if I do that? Everyone is human and makes mistakes. If I'm looking for the perfect man, I may as well be wishing on a star. There is no perfect man. There is no guarantee that I won't end up alone - with or without a man.

I just want to be enough for someone. I want them to enjoy being with me, living life to the fullest with me, and eventually raising children with me. I'd say that he would have to love me, but I will say that I need to feel loved by him instead. My perception of being loved may be different than his. Some of the things I once looked for in a husband/partner aren't really things I need. I'm banking too many things on a person that will inevitably let me down at some point. I want a lot of things out of life, and none of them require one specific person. Similar interests - yes, caring and loving - yes, unlike anyone I've ever met - no.

SONG OF THE DAY: "You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews
My only guarantee for love is in the Lord. With Him, I'll never be alone. I'll never be without. This life on earth is only a temporary home. The one I spend it with now won't matter in heaven. I could spend another 5-10 years trying to find the right one, get married, and then die the next day. What good is waiting for the right one on earth when it's only temporary and only right for a moment. They're not the one I live my life for anyway. There's only one that really matters; only one with a guarantee. He is perfection; with Him, I'll always be loved. I won't die without a man, but I will perish without God.