Don't you just love songs that you adore but don't know the meaning of? I read the lyrics of some songs a hundred times and try to decipher the true message or story.
I do that with relationships too. But more so with the words that are said. I use it as justification to either stay or cut and run. Most of the time, I cut and run.
I used to think it was easier that way. To just let go and find someone else. Why would I put up with the stupid things they do or say? Why would I put myself through that?
I was sitting listening to an argument the other day by a married couple. He did some really stupid things - like men do. And I thought to myself...why is she putting up with that? I'd be out of there is a second.
And that's when I was hit over the head with a hammer. Because they're married. They're committed to each other, to making it work. I put up with a lot of stupid things in my past relationships (ones that lasted more than 3 months). And why? Because I wanted it to work. Because I didn't really think they said or did those things to hurt me. And they were truly sorry.
I know that everyone makes mistakes, has faults, and does stupid stuff. I even do. And I would want someone to forgive me if I did them. I wouldn't want them to give up on me, on us.
So, why in the dating world am I so quick to judge? So quick to let go. Maybe because I'm scared of getting hurt again. Maybe because I see those faults and mistakes as signs of repeat bad behavior of ex's.
After a relationship ends, you always say you'll be smarter this time around. You'll never date anyone like that again. But you do. And you kick yourself for not seeing it sooner, again.
So, I'm caught in this crossroad of forgiving and forgetting (and possibly getting hurt and regretting my decision to take a chance on him) or getting out while the gettin's good (and still possibly regretting not giving him a second chance).
I'm hoping that maybe in the past I've cut and run for good reasons. That the signs I thought I saw were true and warnings of things to come. It's not that I don't believe in good guys; it's just hard to think they're innocent until proven guilty.
SONG OF THE DAY: "Take Me or Leave Me" from the musical "Rent"
If you want to be with someone and love them for who they are, then don't claim you don't like something about them or you wish they'd be more of [this] or [that]. You want certain things from a relationship, then FIND them. Don't try to create them in someone else. That's not fair to you or them. And in order to do that, be true to yourself and what you truly want.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
What If?
Do you ever wonder what old flames say about you now? And what they might say to you isn't what they say to their friends. I've had quite a few boyfriends like this, but it was even that way while we were dating.
They'd be very different when they were with their friends than when they were just with me. At first, I thought it was endearing. I liked that I saw a side of them that they "couldn't" show anyone else. That was the lie I was telling myself.
The reason they were different was either because they were embarrassed to admit to their friends that they liked me or they thought that's what I wanted them to be like. So, in the first instance, I felt like there was something about me that they were ashamed of - I thought it was me that there was something wrong with. And in the second instance, I never got to know the real them - so I was falling in love with someone that didn't really exist. So, I either thought less of myself or fell in love with an illusion.
There are a couple of guys that I wish I could've gotten to know for who they really were because I think I could've liked them just the way they were. But they didn't give me that chance. And then it's like not having closure on a relationship because you always have that chance to say "what if."
That's almost harder than a break-up that you know that it would've never worked out. The bad relationships, the ones that ended badly, are the ones where you just couldn't do it anymore. You couldn't compromise any longer, beat yourself up anymore, be subject to the emotional and/or physical anguish of the relationship. You know that no matter what you do differently, it won't help. It won't make things better or more bearable. It's over. Period.
But the ones that you're not sure of. The ones that ended too soon because of more thing or the other. Those are hard. You have that margin of uncertainty. And sometimes if it does end upbruptly, you don't get closure either. So, you've just been side-swiped on both sides. So you sit and wonder what you would've done differently. Sit and ponder if they still think about you this way. And sometimes make yourself believe that they do.
Then you tell yourself that it's worth one more try. One more go-around. And you justify it by saying, "Well, at least I can get closure" or "At least I'll know it didn't work out." But you're going into the relationship thinking that it's okay if it doesn't work out.
And that's detrimental to any relationship. Good, bad, or ugly. Because you won't try as hard. You've already given yourself a reason to leave. You've spent more time thinking about yourself without them than with them. And you're already okay with it. Why would you put effort into anything that you didn't care about? Why would you fight for it?
And when do the chances end? Usually until you've had it with men in general or you find someone else. Generally you take a hiatis from dating, swearing off men and relationships. And why? Because you weren't sure. Because you talked yourself back into it after you'd already talked yourself out of it.
And yet there are times that you end it, thinking it's the right thing, and then end up feeling more for that person than you did when you were with them. That's a whole 'nother ball game. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
No. Stupidity, pride, stubbornness, and fear are the reason your heart now grows fonder. Because you couldn't admit to loving and longing for a person. Maybe because it'd never happened before or in a really long time. So, you run. You push them away. You create solitude and emptiness for comfort. "You don't know what you got until it's gone." Or until you're gone.
Just make sure the reason you want them back is legitimate and not just loneliness.
SONG OF THE DAY: "What If It's You" by Reba McEntire
This song is about a woman struggling with the thought that the one that she no longer has may have been the one that she's supposed to be with. And now what does she do with that since he's moved on.
They'd be very different when they were with their friends than when they were just with me. At first, I thought it was endearing. I liked that I saw a side of them that they "couldn't" show anyone else. That was the lie I was telling myself.
The reason they were different was either because they were embarrassed to admit to their friends that they liked me or they thought that's what I wanted them to be like. So, in the first instance, I felt like there was something about me that they were ashamed of - I thought it was me that there was something wrong with. And in the second instance, I never got to know the real them - so I was falling in love with someone that didn't really exist. So, I either thought less of myself or fell in love with an illusion.
There are a couple of guys that I wish I could've gotten to know for who they really were because I think I could've liked them just the way they were. But they didn't give me that chance. And then it's like not having closure on a relationship because you always have that chance to say "what if."
That's almost harder than a break-up that you know that it would've never worked out. The bad relationships, the ones that ended badly, are the ones where you just couldn't do it anymore. You couldn't compromise any longer, beat yourself up anymore, be subject to the emotional and/or physical anguish of the relationship. You know that no matter what you do differently, it won't help. It won't make things better or more bearable. It's over. Period.
But the ones that you're not sure of. The ones that ended too soon because of more thing or the other. Those are hard. You have that margin of uncertainty. And sometimes if it does end upbruptly, you don't get closure either. So, you've just been side-swiped on both sides. So you sit and wonder what you would've done differently. Sit and ponder if they still think about you this way. And sometimes make yourself believe that they do.
Then you tell yourself that it's worth one more try. One more go-around. And you justify it by saying, "Well, at least I can get closure" or "At least I'll know it didn't work out." But you're going into the relationship thinking that it's okay if it doesn't work out.
And that's detrimental to any relationship. Good, bad, or ugly. Because you won't try as hard. You've already given yourself a reason to leave. You've spent more time thinking about yourself without them than with them. And you're already okay with it. Why would you put effort into anything that you didn't care about? Why would you fight for it?
And when do the chances end? Usually until you've had it with men in general or you find someone else. Generally you take a hiatis from dating, swearing off men and relationships. And why? Because you weren't sure. Because you talked yourself back into it after you'd already talked yourself out of it.
And yet there are times that you end it, thinking it's the right thing, and then end up feeling more for that person than you did when you were with them. That's a whole 'nother ball game. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?
No. Stupidity, pride, stubbornness, and fear are the reason your heart now grows fonder. Because you couldn't admit to loving and longing for a person. Maybe because it'd never happened before or in a really long time. So, you run. You push them away. You create solitude and emptiness for comfort. "You don't know what you got until it's gone." Or until you're gone.
Just make sure the reason you want them back is legitimate and not just loneliness.
SONG OF THE DAY: "What If It's You" by Reba McEntire
This song is about a woman struggling with the thought that the one that she no longer has may have been the one that she's supposed to be with. And now what does she do with that since he's moved on.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Who's Our Female Casanova?
So, I was thinking about how men love women the other day. Why are we always so enamored when we hear stories of men loving women? Then I was thinking about famous men who were known for loving women. Casanova came to mind right away. Then other characters in various movies: Jack Dawson (Titanic), Tristan (Legends of the Fall), Christian (Moulan Rouge), etc.
Then I tried to think of famous women known for loving men. I came up with Heidi Fleiss, Aphrodite, Helen of Troy, and ...I don't know. So, I was drawing a blank and the ones I already named weren't good role models. The first one was known for sex, the second one also known for sex (and didn't she eat her young or something like that - like most Greeks), and the third started a war because she ran away from her husband to be with another man. Who's our Casanova? Hilary Clinton?
Most of the famous women that I can think of became famous for great acts of humanitarian things or feminist things. Which one of our gender is known for loving men? Really loving them? I'm even trying to think of women from movies. Most movies are about men screwing up and women having to take them back - and those are called Romantic Comedies. What women have been willing to die for their men?
I may need some help on this one. I was even trying to think about love songs about women loving men or a woman loving a man SO much that he needs to write about it. I came up with a few, but why aren't there more songs like that written by men? Women usually write about how much they love their man. But I'm talking about songs written by men saying how much their women loves them. Lionel Richie has some, and there are others from his era. But seriously, there should be more.
Maybe it's just so expected that it's not anything to write about. Women are naturally nurturing and loving - so nothing new. Not a new concept. But men on the other hand. When a man knows how to love, we can't stop writing about it. In songs, in poetry, in movies, in letters home to our mother and friends.
It's not like they say to their buddies over a nice cold beer, "Wow! My woman really knows how to love me. I just feel loved all of the time. She never needs to say it. It's just in what she does. I'm so lucky."
But women do. We can't help but tell our friends all about the latest thing our sweet, enabling husband/boyfriend did for us - to make the other ones jealous of course. Then we go home and tell our husband/boyfriend what our friend's husband/boyfriend did for them. Not just for informational purposes. It's a hint. We don't tell them because we think they'll really care. We tell them so that they may get the brillant stroke of genius to something like it. Not that we really think it'll happen, but sometimes, when years go by, it's time to start dropping hints.
I guess the reason I started thinking about his was because I'm reading the book "Love Is a Mix Tape" and keep thinking how sweet the book is. How sweet it is for a man to be so in love with a woman that he wrote a book to honor her. Not because she was famous or because she did amazing things - but because he loved her and she loved him.
The book to me isn't about depth or having some epiphany, but it's about how music brought two people together and their life was more beautiful with each other - and music - in it. They were true. Their story is true. And in that truth, I find beauty.
He may feel like he was lucky for having her in his life, but I think she was lucky to have someone love her that much.
SONG OF THE DAY: "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
I have to say that this is TRULY one of my favorite love songs. I remember when this song was dedicated to me by my disc jockey boyfriend. I was sick (lying in his bed) and he knew that I still had to listen to his radio show. It was a small college radio station, so I'm not sure anyone else heard the dedication that night, but I didn't care. He knew I was listening. He knew this was our song. And he knew that, at least for the moment, it would make me feel better. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that night.
Then I tried to think of famous women known for loving men. I came up with Heidi Fleiss, Aphrodite, Helen of Troy, and ...I don't know. So, I was drawing a blank and the ones I already named weren't good role models. The first one was known for sex, the second one also known for sex (and didn't she eat her young or something like that - like most Greeks), and the third started a war because she ran away from her husband to be with another man. Who's our Casanova? Hilary Clinton?
Most of the famous women that I can think of became famous for great acts of humanitarian things or feminist things. Which one of our gender is known for loving men? Really loving them? I'm even trying to think of women from movies. Most movies are about men screwing up and women having to take them back - and those are called Romantic Comedies. What women have been willing to die for their men?
I may need some help on this one. I was even trying to think about love songs about women loving men or a woman loving a man SO much that he needs to write about it. I came up with a few, but why aren't there more songs like that written by men? Women usually write about how much they love their man. But I'm talking about songs written by men saying how much their women loves them. Lionel Richie has some, and there are others from his era. But seriously, there should be more.
Maybe it's just so expected that it's not anything to write about. Women are naturally nurturing and loving - so nothing new. Not a new concept. But men on the other hand. When a man knows how to love, we can't stop writing about it. In songs, in poetry, in movies, in letters home to our mother and friends.
It's not like they say to their buddies over a nice cold beer, "Wow! My woman really knows how to love me. I just feel loved all of the time. She never needs to say it. It's just in what she does. I'm so lucky."
But women do. We can't help but tell our friends all about the latest thing our sweet, enabling husband/boyfriend did for us - to make the other ones jealous of course. Then we go home and tell our husband/boyfriend what our friend's husband/boyfriend did for them. Not just for informational purposes. It's a hint. We don't tell them because we think they'll really care. We tell them so that they may get the brillant stroke of genius to something like it. Not that we really think it'll happen, but sometimes, when years go by, it's time to start dropping hints.
I guess the reason I started thinking about his was because I'm reading the book "Love Is a Mix Tape" and keep thinking how sweet the book is. How sweet it is for a man to be so in love with a woman that he wrote a book to honor her. Not because she was famous or because she did amazing things - but because he loved her and she loved him.
The book to me isn't about depth or having some epiphany, but it's about how music brought two people together and their life was more beautiful with each other - and music - in it. They were true. Their story is true. And in that truth, I find beauty.
He may feel like he was lucky for having her in his life, but I think she was lucky to have someone love her that much.
SONG OF THE DAY: "The Luckiest" by Ben Folds
I have to say that this is TRULY one of my favorite love songs. I remember when this song was dedicated to me by my disc jockey boyfriend. I was sick (lying in his bed) and he knew that I still had to listen to his radio show. It was a small college radio station, so I'm not sure anyone else heard the dedication that night, but I didn't care. He knew I was listening. He knew this was our song. And he knew that, at least for the moment, it would make me feel better. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that night.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Lies, Lies, and More Lies
Why do people lie about how they feel? I just DON'T get it. How hard is it to just tell the truth? Doesn't it feel better?
And come on. You know when someone is lying to you in a relationship because it just doesn't feel right. It doesn't make sense.
I recently found out from a friend of a friend of a friend that in my last relationship or weakness, even though I swore I was going to find someone honest (and I thought he was), he lied about getting back to together (or the lack there of).
Now, my intentions were not innocent either, but if it had turned out in my favor, I would've told him about the project. It was during my "different guy every week dating spree." I contacted him so that he could be one of my guys and then leave him after a week. Now, I wasn't exactly sure at the time if I was going to be able to do it, but I was going to try anyway. I kind of wanted closure too.
Anyway, it took him 10 hours to respond to my text message. He said that he wasn't able to meet up the rest of that week, the next week he was gone, and then when he got back we would have dinner and talk. Now as much as that scared me, I was willing to do it for the sake of my project. A couple of weeks went by and so I asked if he still wanted to get together. It took him even longer than 10 hours to respond to this one, but he said that he was dating someone new and didn't want to mess things up.
My initial thought was that it was him taking the easy way out. Not having to talk about what happened between us. It was easier to come up with some excuse than to face the music. But then I thought, no. He probably was seeing someone and I thought it was noble.
Well, I'm here to tell you to always stick with your first instinct. He had lied to me before about other things, and so I should've known. And according to my source, other stupid accusations were said as well.
I just don't understand people who lie to make themselves look or feel better. It's like being in elementary school again. The bully was always the one with the lowest self-esteem, and so he'd pick on the other kids to make himself feel better.
Well, I don't expect this guy to advance to the next grade level anytime soon. It's too bad though; I think somewhere inside of him is a really decent guy.
SONG OF THE DAY: "I Don't Believe You" by Pink
I know, more than I'd like to admit, that things are said in anger, in hurt, in frustration, in chaos, and in torment. These things stick with you longer than words said to you in love, in affection, in adoration, or in contentment. It's hard to forget, and it's even harder to forgive. But you just can't help what you feel when those things are said. Words are only words until they pierce the surface of our flesh and find a home in your head, your heart, or your soul. That's when they're felt. And you know if that feeling is true or false. You know that if you question the words being spoken because they don't feel right within you, then they're probably a lie. The lie itself isn't what bothers me. It's the reason behind the lie, which creates a whole other spiral of emotion. But it's not until the truth is spoken that you can move on with what initiated the feeling.
And come on. You know when someone is lying to you in a relationship because it just doesn't feel right. It doesn't make sense.
I recently found out from a friend of a friend of a friend that in my last relationship or weakness, even though I swore I was going to find someone honest (and I thought he was), he lied about getting back to together (or the lack there of).
Now, my intentions were not innocent either, but if it had turned out in my favor, I would've told him about the project. It was during my "different guy every week dating spree." I contacted him so that he could be one of my guys and then leave him after a week. Now, I wasn't exactly sure at the time if I was going to be able to do it, but I was going to try anyway. I kind of wanted closure too.
Anyway, it took him 10 hours to respond to my text message. He said that he wasn't able to meet up the rest of that week, the next week he was gone, and then when he got back we would have dinner and talk. Now as much as that scared me, I was willing to do it for the sake of my project. A couple of weeks went by and so I asked if he still wanted to get together. It took him even longer than 10 hours to respond to this one, but he said that he was dating someone new and didn't want to mess things up.
My initial thought was that it was him taking the easy way out. Not having to talk about what happened between us. It was easier to come up with some excuse than to face the music. But then I thought, no. He probably was seeing someone and I thought it was noble.
Well, I'm here to tell you to always stick with your first instinct. He had lied to me before about other things, and so I should've known. And according to my source, other stupid accusations were said as well.
I just don't understand people who lie to make themselves look or feel better. It's like being in elementary school again. The bully was always the one with the lowest self-esteem, and so he'd pick on the other kids to make himself feel better.
Well, I don't expect this guy to advance to the next grade level anytime soon. It's too bad though; I think somewhere inside of him is a really decent guy.
SONG OF THE DAY: "I Don't Believe You" by Pink
I know, more than I'd like to admit, that things are said in anger, in hurt, in frustration, in chaos, and in torment. These things stick with you longer than words said to you in love, in affection, in adoration, or in contentment. It's hard to forget, and it's even harder to forgive. But you just can't help what you feel when those things are said. Words are only words until they pierce the surface of our flesh and find a home in your head, your heart, or your soul. That's when they're felt. And you know if that feeling is true or false. You know that if you question the words being spoken because they don't feel right within you, then they're probably a lie. The lie itself isn't what bothers me. It's the reason behind the lie, which creates a whole other spiral of emotion. But it's not until the truth is spoken that you can move on with what initiated the feeling.
Monday, March 8, 2010
To Be Saved
I had the best intentions to start reading my book tonight, but three school projects kind of took over my time. I have a mild obsession with angels, and so naturally, one of my design projects is intertwined with an angel theme.
As I was gluing each individual feather, I couldn't help but turn on the song by Jewel, "Angel Standing By." I believe in angels and wondered if one was watching me and smiling. My artistic recreation was a bit abstract but relevant. If I were an angel, I would have smiled.
Angels are said help us in a time of need. We may not know that they're there or that we need them, but that's not the purpose. We just need saving from ourselves sometimes, and most of the time, we don't even know it yet.
Like angels, friends and family do an excellent job of taking on the role of protector, especially during a break-up. I'm not one that asks for help easily. I don't like feeling weak or incompetent. But my close friends know me and can sense my vulnerability. And my true friends are always there; standing by. Just in case I need them.
One time in particular, I was feeling pretty pathetic because of a guy. (Go figure.) Well, I called up one of my best friends to complain and whine. He quickly made me realize that I was being ridiculous and not acting at all like myself. All he had to say was, "This is not the girl I know." He was absolutely right. I don't get pathetic and weepy over men. They usually just piss me off and I move on. I don't exactly know how I got caught up in the frivolities of this relationship, but that one phrase was enough to snap me out of it.
Sometimes we need a hug. Sometimes we just don't want to be alone. And sometimes we just need to be reminded of who we are and that it's wonderful to those that matter.
So, whether you rely on a friend, family member, or angel to save you from yourself - just remember that we all need saving. Even the strongest, most stubborn people.
SONG OF THE DAY: "We All Need Saving" by Jon McLaughlin
I remember where I was when I first heard this song. I needed to hear these words at that exact moment in time. It reminded me that my hardship was just something I had to go through. I have faith that everything I do and go through has a reason. I may even need to learn a lesson in the process. I sometimes forget to ask for help when I'm going through things because I don't want to feel like I'm burdening others with my problems. Yet I've never felt like that when I am the voice of reason when my friends need help. I can't expect to go through life by myself and never lean on anyone else for compassion. I try to be strong, but when I can't, I know who is standing by to help bring me back around. Do you?
As I was gluing each individual feather, I couldn't help but turn on the song by Jewel, "Angel Standing By." I believe in angels and wondered if one was watching me and smiling. My artistic recreation was a bit abstract but relevant. If I were an angel, I would have smiled.
Angels are said help us in a time of need. We may not know that they're there or that we need them, but that's not the purpose. We just need saving from ourselves sometimes, and most of the time, we don't even know it yet.
Like angels, friends and family do an excellent job of taking on the role of protector, especially during a break-up. I'm not one that asks for help easily. I don't like feeling weak or incompetent. But my close friends know me and can sense my vulnerability. And my true friends are always there; standing by. Just in case I need them.
One time in particular, I was feeling pretty pathetic because of a guy. (Go figure.) Well, I called up one of my best friends to complain and whine. He quickly made me realize that I was being ridiculous and not acting at all like myself. All he had to say was, "This is not the girl I know." He was absolutely right. I don't get pathetic and weepy over men. They usually just piss me off and I move on. I don't exactly know how I got caught up in the frivolities of this relationship, but that one phrase was enough to snap me out of it.
Sometimes we need a hug. Sometimes we just don't want to be alone. And sometimes we just need to be reminded of who we are and that it's wonderful to those that matter.
So, whether you rely on a friend, family member, or angel to save you from yourself - just remember that we all need saving. Even the strongest, most stubborn people.
SONG OF THE DAY: "We All Need Saving" by Jon McLaughlin
I remember where I was when I first heard this song. I needed to hear these words at that exact moment in time. It reminded me that my hardship was just something I had to go through. I have faith that everything I do and go through has a reason. I may even need to learn a lesson in the process. I sometimes forget to ask for help when I'm going through things because I don't want to feel like I'm burdening others with my problems. Yet I've never felt like that when I am the voice of reason when my friends need help. I can't expect to go through life by myself and never lean on anyone else for compassion. I try to be strong, but when I can't, I know who is standing by to help bring me back around. Do you?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
The One That Got Away
I'm pretty sure we all know what "The One That Got Away" means. Have you ever been that "one" to someone else? Do you ever think about that "one" yourself?
I've been told, by a few guys, that I was "the one that got away." But since we're not together now, I guess I was just too far gone.
I'm trying to think about who I would consider to be my "one who got away." And I have to say that there haven't been a lot of relationships where I wasn't the instigator of letting go. There wasn't really anyone, that I wanted to keep, that got away.
The end of a relationship is always devastating to some degree, whether or not it you left first or last. Maybe I let them all go too easily. I've hung on to a few relationships; but not because of the guy. There are times in my life that I just wanted to be someone and it didn't matter who. Loneliness makes us do crazy things.
Besides the obvious one that I had no choice of getting back, there is probably only one guy that I wonder what might have been. Our relationship was spontaneous at times and frustrating at times. We spent our evenings together and shared our dreams. He was sweet and simple. Our sporatic relationship went on for about a year and a half. We never once called each other "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." Everything we did, felt, shared, and said seemed like we were, but we never said it outloud.
After about a year, I needed something a little more substantial. I wanted it from him, but he said he couldn't give me that. So, I told him that I was moving on.
I soon met someone else and moved across country to be with him. A couple weeks before I left, I was asked to lunch with this previous man. We'd never had lunch together (besides our first date - trip - to Ohio) before, so I knew that this was something out of the ordinary. We met at the restaurant. He looked so different to me, besides having long hair before and now it was shaved. To make a long story short, he was trying to tell me that he was ready to give me what I wanted. I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him I was moving.
So, it's not so much that he got away from me, but that I gave up on him too soon.
SONG OF THE DAY: "What Might Have Been" by Little Texas
The music video to this song is timeless. I can still picture it in my mind while the song plays. We never know how our life is going to turn out; we just have faith that we're making the right decisions. But it isn't until our decisions make life hard that we think back to "what might have been." How different our life would be if we had chose differently. I believe that everything happens for a reason though, and that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Yet, every once in awhile, I'll torture myself and think about what might have been.
I've been told, by a few guys, that I was "the one that got away." But since we're not together now, I guess I was just too far gone.
I'm trying to think about who I would consider to be my "one who got away." And I have to say that there haven't been a lot of relationships where I wasn't the instigator of letting go. There wasn't really anyone, that I wanted to keep, that got away.
The end of a relationship is always devastating to some degree, whether or not it you left first or last. Maybe I let them all go too easily. I've hung on to a few relationships; but not because of the guy. There are times in my life that I just wanted to be someone and it didn't matter who. Loneliness makes us do crazy things.
Besides the obvious one that I had no choice of getting back, there is probably only one guy that I wonder what might have been. Our relationship was spontaneous at times and frustrating at times. We spent our evenings together and shared our dreams. He was sweet and simple. Our sporatic relationship went on for about a year and a half. We never once called each other "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." Everything we did, felt, shared, and said seemed like we were, but we never said it outloud.
After about a year, I needed something a little more substantial. I wanted it from him, but he said he couldn't give me that. So, I told him that I was moving on.
I soon met someone else and moved across country to be with him. A couple weeks before I left, I was asked to lunch with this previous man. We'd never had lunch together (besides our first date - trip - to Ohio) before, so I knew that this was something out of the ordinary. We met at the restaurant. He looked so different to me, besides having long hair before and now it was shaved. To make a long story short, he was trying to tell me that he was ready to give me what I wanted. I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him I was moving.
So, it's not so much that he got away from me, but that I gave up on him too soon.
SONG OF THE DAY: "What Might Have Been" by Little Texas
The music video to this song is timeless. I can still picture it in my mind while the song plays. We never know how our life is going to turn out; we just have faith that we're making the right decisions. But it isn't until our decisions make life hard that we think back to "what might have been." How different our life would be if we had chose differently. I believe that everything happens for a reason though, and that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. Yet, every once in awhile, I'll torture myself and think about what might have been.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
A New Book for March
So, I think I found a great book to read for March. It's called "Love is a Mix Tape" by Rob Sheffield. I haven't started reading it yet, but at first glance, it looks to be a winner. It's a love story in a book - with its own soundtrack.
Now, for some of us, we probably have to strain to remember what cassette tapes even are. But it's the same premise as a mixed CD. It's like a much older version of the iPod. A bunch of random songs on one tape, CD, or iPod.
But think about this for a minute, when a song comes on the radio, do you remember where you were at that time in your life? Who you were with? How you felt about that person? How you feel about them now?
I think that's how I remember what order my ex-boyfriends go in - by when the song came out on the radio. Okay, maybe not to that extreme, but I do remember love songs and the guy I was "in love" with at the time. So, for me, love could be a mixed tape. Movies have also become a way of remembering loves gone wrong. I remember who I first watched the movie with and then every time I see it again, I'm haunted of the memory of that lost love.
In every relationship, it seems that girls, more so than guys, pick a song that becomes the theme of their time together. Weddings are famous for this. What songs will be sang, what song will play during the lighting of the unity candle, what song will they dance to as a married couple, etc. We've all said, at one time in our lives, "that's our song."
I'm glad that they continue to come out with new love songs because if they didn't, I wouldn't be able to listen to the radio anymore. I've used up quite a few of them.
One of the first songs that I used as a theme to a relationship was when I was very young. I didn't even know who sang the song at the time, but I kept hearing it on the radio and knew it was perfect. I recorded it off the radio onto a cassette and listened to it over and over and over. I hate to say that I was only in elementary school, but my on-again/off-again elementary boyfriend and I needed a song.
The funny thing...I never did find out who sang the song. I'd hear it now and again on the radio, but they'd never introduce it with the band's name or I'd turn the station to it in the middle of the song. Who sang it didn't seem as important as what it meant.
It wasn't until last summer that I finally realized the name of the band. I was dating a guy who went to see the band in concert (they're quite a bit older now). He texted me during the concert and during that song. The name of the song sounded familiar, so I wondered if it was the same song from many years ago. Of course, I went straight to the computer and looked it up on YouTube. Sure enough. The mystery was solved.
Now every time I hear that song, I don't know who to think of.
SONG OF THE DAY: "Honestly" by Stryper
I don't know the true meaning behind this song, but songs are like art. Everyone gets something different. I honestly don't know any of Stryper's other songs (off the top of my head unless I heard them), but this song has enough meaning over the past 20-some years for it not to matter. It would definitely be on my mixed tape of love.
Now, for some of us, we probably have to strain to remember what cassette tapes even are. But it's the same premise as a mixed CD. It's like a much older version of the iPod. A bunch of random songs on one tape, CD, or iPod.
But think about this for a minute, when a song comes on the radio, do you remember where you were at that time in your life? Who you were with? How you felt about that person? How you feel about them now?
I think that's how I remember what order my ex-boyfriends go in - by when the song came out on the radio. Okay, maybe not to that extreme, but I do remember love songs and the guy I was "in love" with at the time. So, for me, love could be a mixed tape. Movies have also become a way of remembering loves gone wrong. I remember who I first watched the movie with and then every time I see it again, I'm haunted of the memory of that lost love.
In every relationship, it seems that girls, more so than guys, pick a song that becomes the theme of their time together. Weddings are famous for this. What songs will be sang, what song will play during the lighting of the unity candle, what song will they dance to as a married couple, etc. We've all said, at one time in our lives, "that's our song."
I'm glad that they continue to come out with new love songs because if they didn't, I wouldn't be able to listen to the radio anymore. I've used up quite a few of them.
One of the first songs that I used as a theme to a relationship was when I was very young. I didn't even know who sang the song at the time, but I kept hearing it on the radio and knew it was perfect. I recorded it off the radio onto a cassette and listened to it over and over and over. I hate to say that I was only in elementary school, but my on-again/off-again elementary boyfriend and I needed a song.
The funny thing...I never did find out who sang the song. I'd hear it now and again on the radio, but they'd never introduce it with the band's name or I'd turn the station to it in the middle of the song. Who sang it didn't seem as important as what it meant.
It wasn't until last summer that I finally realized the name of the band. I was dating a guy who went to see the band in concert (they're quite a bit older now). He texted me during the concert and during that song. The name of the song sounded familiar, so I wondered if it was the same song from many years ago. Of course, I went straight to the computer and looked it up on YouTube. Sure enough. The mystery was solved.
Now every time I hear that song, I don't know who to think of.
SONG OF THE DAY: "Honestly" by Stryper
I don't know the true meaning behind this song, but songs are like art. Everyone gets something different. I honestly don't know any of Stryper's other songs (off the top of my head unless I heard them), but this song has enough meaning over the past 20-some years for it not to matter. It would definitely be on my mixed tape of love.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
According to Whom
You've seen it a million times in the movies: a girl and guy are best friends. The girl is usually in a terrible relationship where her boyfriend treats her like crap and the best friend thinks she's wonderful and shouldn't be with the jerk.
Have you ever been in that situation? I sure have. Why don't we want the good guy best friend type? Why do we stay with the jerks that make us feel like less of a human whenever they say they'll call and don't, make jokes at our expense, or just plain berate us.
All it should take is one quick swoop of the hand to his face, and we're better off. But we don't do that, ever. We stay and pretend that things will get better. That he loves me and he'll realize it some day. I can change him. When we get married... WHAT?! REALLY?!
If you're at all saying those things to yourself, oh honey! I don't even know you and I know that you deserve better than that. Now, I'm not saying that you have to run to your opposite gender best friend for comfort, but I am saying that you have to think more about what you want...and find it. Don't try to create it. No one is that good of an artist.
Be yourself and you'll find someone who appreciates you just the way you are, which in turn, will make you appreciate them all the more. Find someone that will treat you like a woman; be around for the good and the bad; love you morning, noon, and night; wants to marry you because he can't stand living apart from you; does things he normally wouldn't do just to see the smile on your face.
AND DON'T YOU DARE SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!
SONG OF THE DAY: "According to You" by Orianthi
It's the song of the week and a jazzy little tune! Listen to it while you're putting on your make-up and fixing your hair. It will make you smile; kind of like the way a man should make you smile. It's a song about a man that thinks she's worthless, and then another man that thinks she's amazing. Hmmmm, who should she be with? Who are you with?
Have you ever been in that situation? I sure have. Why don't we want the good guy best friend type? Why do we stay with the jerks that make us feel like less of a human whenever they say they'll call and don't, make jokes at our expense, or just plain berate us.
All it should take is one quick swoop of the hand to his face, and we're better off. But we don't do that, ever. We stay and pretend that things will get better. That he loves me and he'll realize it some day. I can change him. When we get married... WHAT?! REALLY?!
If you're at all saying those things to yourself, oh honey! I don't even know you and I know that you deserve better than that. Now, I'm not saying that you have to run to your opposite gender best friend for comfort, but I am saying that you have to think more about what you want...and find it. Don't try to create it. No one is that good of an artist.
Be yourself and you'll find someone who appreciates you just the way you are, which in turn, will make you appreciate them all the more. Find someone that will treat you like a woman; be around for the good and the bad; love you morning, noon, and night; wants to marry you because he can't stand living apart from you; does things he normally wouldn't do just to see the smile on your face.
AND DON'T YOU DARE SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!
SONG OF THE DAY: "According to You" by Orianthi
It's the song of the week and a jazzy little tune! Listen to it while you're putting on your make-up and fixing your hair. It will make you smile; kind of like the way a man should make you smile. It's a song about a man that thinks she's worthless, and then another man that thinks she's amazing. Hmmmm, who should she be with? Who are you with?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Too Busy Being in Love?
Isn't it funny how love takes the back burner sometimes to life? Even though we'd rather have love. I haven't written for a couple of days because life just got in the way. I'd like to say I was too busy being in love to write, but that wasn't necessarily the case. Well, maybe a little bit of it, but I wouldn't call it love.
Saturday night I had a date with a very old friend. Okay, yes. A boyfriend. We've seen each other about two times over the course of 12 years - but never talked to each other, just bumped into each other kind of stuff. So, we got back into contact through a mutual friend and agreed it would be nice to catch up.
I thought it would be awkward after not really seeing each other since we broke up back in high school, but it wasn't. It was nice to see him. We joked around like we'd never stopped. Caught up on what each of us had been doing for the past 12 years, watched movies, he made me a really awful grilled cheese sandwich, and then I asked him to play the piano for me - for old times sake.
He agreed although he doesn't play very much anymore. The selections were Elton John hits from a song book on his piano. It felt right sitting there at that moment listening to him play "Your Song." Then he switched keys, literally. He began to play from memory. I recognized the song right away. "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. I felt a little ashamed that I no longer knew my part from the popular 1997 song. We used to play that as a duet almost every day when we were dating. I wasn't nearly as good as he was at playing the piano, but it somehow brought us together. It was sweet - then and now.
I just closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I remembered our relationship, the fun we had (we laughed ALL the time), the things we shared, the controversy of us being a couple, the letters we wrote while he was at Basic Training, and I found myself wishing it hadn't ended. He was sweet, smart, funny, talented, handsome, and he seemed to really love me. I could tell by the way he looked at me.
I couldn't necessarily see that same look now, but we guard ourselves much better the older we get. I don't know or anticipate it going anywhere, especially since he's going out of the country for a year in May. I'm looking forward to writing letters to him again. It's funny; we both still have the letters we sent to each other when he was in Basic.
I believe I will be seeing him again - and hopefully it won't take another 12 years.
SONG OF THE DAY: "I Was Too Busy Being In Love" by Doug Stone
So, I didn't write because I was too busy being in love, but I was just busy remembering how love felt at a moment in my life. The words of that song are quite true. I seem to only write about love that has been lost. I've written a lot and it isn't until now that I document the heartache, the regret - but forget to illustrate the love and happiness. Does anyone else do that? There was only one time in my life that I wrote what I felt and let the man I wrote it about read it. We were both artistic people and thought he'd appreciate it. To this day, I'm not sure he did and it makes me sad to think I wasted that on him - but when I go back and read what I wrote, I'm glad I did. I also wrote a lot after that break-up as well. The next time I fall in love, I'll try to remember to write it down.
Saturday night I had a date with a very old friend. Okay, yes. A boyfriend. We've seen each other about two times over the course of 12 years - but never talked to each other, just bumped into each other kind of stuff. So, we got back into contact through a mutual friend and agreed it would be nice to catch up.
I thought it would be awkward after not really seeing each other since we broke up back in high school, but it wasn't. It was nice to see him. We joked around like we'd never stopped. Caught up on what each of us had been doing for the past 12 years, watched movies, he made me a really awful grilled cheese sandwich, and then I asked him to play the piano for me - for old times sake.
He agreed although he doesn't play very much anymore. The selections were Elton John hits from a song book on his piano. It felt right sitting there at that moment listening to him play "Your Song." Then he switched keys, literally. He began to play from memory. I recognized the song right away. "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. I felt a little ashamed that I no longer knew my part from the popular 1997 song. We used to play that as a duet almost every day when we were dating. I wasn't nearly as good as he was at playing the piano, but it somehow brought us together. It was sweet - then and now.
I just closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I remembered our relationship, the fun we had (we laughed ALL the time), the things we shared, the controversy of us being a couple, the letters we wrote while he was at Basic Training, and I found myself wishing it hadn't ended. He was sweet, smart, funny, talented, handsome, and he seemed to really love me. I could tell by the way he looked at me.
I couldn't necessarily see that same look now, but we guard ourselves much better the older we get. I don't know or anticipate it going anywhere, especially since he's going out of the country for a year in May. I'm looking forward to writing letters to him again. It's funny; we both still have the letters we sent to each other when he was in Basic.
I believe I will be seeing him again - and hopefully it won't take another 12 years.
SONG OF THE DAY: "I Was Too Busy Being In Love" by Doug Stone
So, I didn't write because I was too busy being in love, but I was just busy remembering how love felt at a moment in my life. The words of that song are quite true. I seem to only write about love that has been lost. I've written a lot and it isn't until now that I document the heartache, the regret - but forget to illustrate the love and happiness. Does anyone else do that? There was only one time in my life that I wrote what I felt and let the man I wrote it about read it. We were both artistic people and thought he'd appreciate it. To this day, I'm not sure he did and it makes me sad to think I wasted that on him - but when I go back and read what I wrote, I'm glad I did. I also wrote a lot after that break-up as well. The next time I fall in love, I'll try to remember to write it down.
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