What If?

Do you ever wonder what old flames say about you now? And what they might say to you isn't what they say to their friends. I've had quite a few boyfriends like this, but it was even that way while we were dating.

They'd be very different when they were with their friends than when they were just with me. At first, I thought it was endearing. I liked that I saw a side of them that they "couldn't" show anyone else. That was the lie I was telling myself.

The reason they were different was either because they were embarrassed to admit to their friends that they liked me or they thought that's what I wanted them to be like. So, in the first instance, I felt like there was something about me that they were ashamed of - I thought it was me that there was something wrong with. And in the second instance, I never got to know the real them - so I was falling in love with someone that didn't really exist. So, I either thought less of myself or fell in love with an illusion.

There are a couple of guys that I wish I could've gotten to know for who they really were because I think I could've liked them just the way they were. But they didn't give me that chance. And then it's like not having closure on a relationship because you always have that chance to say "what if."

That's almost harder than a break-up that you know that it would've never worked out. The bad relationships, the ones that ended badly, are the ones where you just couldn't do it anymore. You couldn't compromise any longer, beat yourself up anymore, be subject to the emotional and/or physical anguish of the relationship. You know that no matter what you do differently, it won't help. It won't make things better or more bearable. It's over. Period.

But the ones that you're not sure of. The ones that ended too soon because of more thing or the other. Those are hard. You have that margin of uncertainty. And sometimes if it does end upbruptly, you don't get closure either. So, you've just been side-swiped on both sides. So you sit and wonder what you would've done differently. Sit and ponder if they still think about you this way. And sometimes make yourself believe that they do.

Then you tell yourself that it's worth one more try. One more go-around. And you justify it by saying, "Well, at least I can get closure" or "At least I'll know it didn't work out." But you're going into the relationship thinking that it's okay if it doesn't work out.

And that's detrimental to any relationship. Good, bad, or ugly. Because you won't try as hard. You've already given yourself a reason to leave. You've spent more time thinking about yourself without them than with them. And you're already okay with it. Why would you put effort into anything that you didn't care about? Why would you fight for it?

And when do the chances end? Usually until you've had it with men in general or you find someone else. Generally you take a hiatis from dating, swearing off men and relationships. And why? Because you weren't sure. Because you talked yourself back into it after you'd already talked yourself out of it.

And yet there are times that you end it, thinking it's the right thing, and then end up feeling more for that person than you did when you were with them. That's a whole 'nother ball game. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

No. Stupidity, pride, stubbornness, and fear are the reason your heart now grows fonder. Because you couldn't admit to loving and longing for a person. Maybe because it'd never happened before or in a really long time. So, you run. You push them away. You create solitude and emptiness for comfort. "You don't know what you got until it's gone." Or until you're gone.

Just make sure the reason you want them back is legitimate and not just loneliness.

SONG OF THE DAY: "What If It's You" by Reba McEntire
This song is about a woman struggling with the thought that the one that she no longer has may have been the one that she's supposed to be with. And now what does she do with that since he's moved on.