Valentine's Day

As much as I appreciate what Valentine's Day does for couples, I don't agree with the feeling of obligation. I don't want to feel obligated to get someone something, and I really don't want to feel bad if I don't have anyone to spend that obligation with.

I'm a single, thirty year-old that would LOVE to be in love, but I'm not willing to settle. Most people have their own thoughts about what love is, and it probably means different things to different people.

I thought I was in love with my boyfriend of two years (a little over a year ago) until last year on Valentine's Day he moved out without warning. That made me rethink relationships and love. I dabbled in counter-relationships (rebound, in other words) and though many were satisfying, it was only for a moment in time. I still longed to be in love.

And yet, I still don't know what that means. What does it mean to be in love? Is that different than loving someone or not? Why does love always seem to fade or fail? What can be done to maintain it? Is that even possible?

I dated just to date after that break-up, many at the same time. I referred to three of them as Dot, Tot, and Spot so that my friends weren't getting confused on which one I was talking about. I wasn't really expecting to find anyone of real interest to me. But when you want a semblence of love and a relationship, you somehow trick yourself to believe that he is exactly what you've been waiting for because you have a few things in common. Well, he turned out to be like every other selfish, insecure loser I've ever dated.

Have you ever craved a food or drink but don't know why? Maybe it was something you only had once, but it was so good that every once in awhile you just want it back. You want to relive that taste, and now refer to it as your favorite.

I've only had one favorite in my entire thirty years, and trust me, there've been plenty to choose from.

I'm not really into gushing or being a hopeless romantic, but he made me smile and blush just by looking my way. I never had to question whether or not he wanted to be with me. He hugged my mother and washed my grandmother's plastic plates at Christmas.

I guess I find it hard not to compare my favorite to others, yet that's what I want.
I don't think I still want him, just what we had, how I felt when we were together. Most people just don't know what they want, but I know EXACTLY what I want. Maybe my expectations are just too high, but is that really possible when you're looking to spend the rest of your life with someone?

It's not because I haven't dated other guys. Trust me, I have. I even tried dating a different guy each week for sport. It only lasted about 14 weeks and just hated every minute of the process. It was a good plan; it should've worked, but I hated myself, my dates, the conversations, the setup to the next...it was like a part-time job. And at the end of the night, I still wanted something else. I still wanted to be in love, real love.

So, why this? Why now? Knowledge is power, right? Well, maybe it's not working for me because I have false expectations of love. Maybe I don't know love when I'm in it. I must attempt to know it in order to find it.

Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to celebrate Valentine's Day for all it's glorified hype next year - because this year, it was merely Single's Awareness Day.


SONG OF THE DAY - "This Year's Love" by David Gray
If I had a love this year, I'd hope it'd last (just like the lyrics suggest) because it is high time. I first heard this song after an aerobic workout when we were cooling down and stretching. I began to cry. I don't know why I'm so vulnerable after workouts, but that particular night, my body was just too tired to be strong enough to hold back the tears. It's really amazing how a simple 3-minute song can bring us to our knees. I guess that's how you know it's a good song.