Do We Know When It's Over?

I'm sure everyone reading this has at one time or another been through a break-up. Are you the strong one or the weak one? Do you show your emotions; what you're really feeling? Or do you hide and break down after they've gone?

It isn't usually until I am alone that I finally FEEL alone and break down. My break-up with #1 (inside joke) was hard to come to terms with because I felt like we had been through a lot together and I guess I really believed (at one point) that we'd be together forever. I stayed with a friend (I don't know how I would've done it without her) for a couple of weeks while he moved out of our townhome. I thought it would be easier if I didn't have the memory of him packing and driving away.

I was wrong. As I drove back to my townhome after knowing he'd be gone, I really didn't know what to expect. Was it really over? What would my life be like without him? I said to myself that I'd be okay. I was better off without him. I could find someone to love me more than he did.

And it wasn't until I walked through the front door and closed it to a completely silenced, darkened home that I began to second-guess myself. I didn't even recognize living there. There was no glow of the fish tank. No sound of the flight simulator. It looked like I'd been robbed. The closet was half empty (not half full). The TV was gone. And there was no plates or bowls to eat from.

I broke down right then and there. Weeped like a child. I was really alone and without love.

But I know that if I had been there when he packed the rest of his things, I would've stayed strong, shown no weakness. Acted like it didn't bother me in the least.

Why do I let my pride over-power me? Why do I have such a terrible time acting vulnerable? I don't know. Maybe because either way gets me to the same place: alone.

I have more questions than answers tonight. That's about all I know.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Is It Over Yet?" by Wynonna Judd
I've probably listened to this song after every one of my break-ups. I ask myself that question over and over until the answer is yes. There aren't many break-ups that I'd go back on. There was one, but I eventually realized that it was the "what" that I was missing, not the "who." It was a lie that I was telling myself. I made myself believe that the relationship was great and he was too, when neither of those were true. He wasn't great, which - in turn - also made the relationship not-so-great. I look back at it now and think "what a jerk." But then I'm not really surprised by that comment because it's not the first time I've ever said that about an ex. So, "is it over yet?" Why yes; yes it is.