Even the best times can be meaningless

After a month of meaningless kisses, hand-holding, and laughter, I said "I don't think I can do this anymore." I fought back the tears and looked him straight in the face, so there was no doubt.

It was a hard choice. A choice between myself and him. I have to believe that I'm worth more than a man who treats me like a princess but tells me it won't go any further than this; than what we have right now. And what we had was completely wonderful. But what's the point in feeling wonderful for a moment, but then having to remind yourself, he "doesn't want anything serious."

And all the while, I keep thinking to myself, "how can it get more serious?" The only way it can is if we define it and talk about it futuristically.

He always said that he enjoyed being with me, laughing, "an escape from his day-to-day government job." Is that all I am? An escape from someone's real life? But he was a part of my real life, which made me feel crazy, insane; to have someone's make-believe life be a part of my real one.

And as I sat there telling him that I'm worth more than that; worth more than someone's fantasy, I don't think he got it. Because to him, it was perfect. No responsibility for anyone else's feelings but his own. No one to apologize to; no one to answer to or feel bad about hurting. Because he made it clear from our very first date. "Nothing serious."

Except his idea of "nothing serious" felt more real to me than any relationship I've had in a long time.

I told him that "I wanted to spend my time and energy on something that means something tomorrow." I don't want to exhaust myself by pretending I don't care. That's stupid. It's irresponsible and selfish.

I guess what really bothers me is how someone can kiss me and I feel something, but they don't. Nothing. At all. Nothing more than a thanks, it's been fun.

And then has the nerve to ask if we'll see each other again, if I need something to call him, and can he call me sometime. Um, NO! Wait...um, HELL NO!

I made it very clear that I'm worth more than what he has to offer. I deserve better than a meaningless relationship. Everyone does. And if I don't truly believe that I do, then I don't deserve it. And neither do you.

SONG OF THE DAY: "Boys Don't Cry" by Plumb
"But you're okay with this damaging awkwardness." What a line. I listened to this song and felt those lyrics. It showed me into his heart. What he's capable of and what he's not. And right now, he's not capable of love and I'm TIRED of being with men, waiting for them to be ready for love. Come see me when you're ready, but until then, I'm not going to sit around waiting. Because of what if they're never ready; they never feel like they can love again.
I just don't want to live my life without love. True love. A kind of love everyone deserves. And I have it to give, just not to every man that comes along. Just the one that truly deserves it and appreciates it.