What Would You Do?

Have you ever had one last day with someone? Maybe you didn't know it was your last day, so you may have done something different if you had known. Think back to a relationship or argument with someone and it was the last time you saw them.

I have one very particular instance of this, but that's not where I'm going with this entry. As much as I hope this new instance doesn't end in tragedy like the other, I have no way of knowing.

I've never said so many goodbyes to one person. We knew it was going to be goodbye, but the "when" changed many times. This man was not my boyfriend, but he became a really great friend. Someone to just hang out with and laugh with - no expectations, no promises made. We just enjoyed each other's company and laughed A LOT.

We knew that he was leaving eventually. But we thought we had more time. That time was cut short by orders saying he needed to leave a whole month early and stay 3 months longer than anticipated. We still didn't know the exact date of his departure. We just knew we didn't have as much time as before.

Our relationship seemed to change a little. The things we talked about and the way we treated each other. We had tried the dating thing before and it wasn't what I wanted. What he was willing to give didn't interest me - what he was holding back is what interested me...but that was before.

He said it finally hit him. That he was going to war. I'm not sure it's hit me yet. He talked softer and looked at me longer. Every time we were together during that last week, we thought was going to be the last. But then we seemed to find another time or day to spend together.

We just seemed to do whatever we wanted with whatever time we had left. We ate junk food and went to movies, listened to music and danced around the house. We went shopping and ate ice cream. Nothing outwardly substantial, yet I loved every moment of it.

Nothing was established as far as what we feel or want from the other person. I think we both just didn't want to be alone. Now we did say a lot of things to each other that probably didn't make any sense or hope any significance, but many of our conversations weren't deep. A few of them, yes, but for the most part, it was kept light and free from argument.

I do miss his smile and his jokes (although most of them were crude). I was spoiled the first couple days he was gone because I still received an email every day, no matter if it was from the airport in Istanbul or a 150-person tent in Krygyzstan. I still felt like he was here.

But now that I haven't received one in a couple of days...I wonder. I think back to the last couple of days we hung out. I wonder if it should've been more substantial. Maybe we should've made it more memorable. Done more big things. Because what if it was our last?

I made him a card and shrunk it so it would fit in his wallet. It was a picture of an F-16 facing the sunset. The picture was fitting because he flies F-16's and will be flying the "vampire" shift. I wrote on the card, "During the ritual of the setting sun, know I look to the sky and pray for your safety...every night until you return."

My hope now is that he is safe and last week wasn't our last.

SONG OF THE DAY: "One More Day" by Diamond Rio
I used to listen to this song a long time ago when I lost someone very dear to me. It's not quite the same situation this time, but the possibility is there. It was hard to say goodbye multiple times thinking that every time was the last. But as I saw him board the plane, I knew it was our last time for a very long time. I heard this song on the radio as I was leaving his house one night. It was very fitting. It made me wonder what we would've done the next time and the next time...all the while thinking it was our last. We never really thought about it much or planned our time together. We just did what we wanted, when we wanted. The song is right though...it would've left me "wishing still for one more day."